Confronting Parental Burnout: Embracing Self-Care in Special Needs Parenting | Ep2

Every parent dreams of their child thriving, but what happens when the weight of special needs parenting starts to take its toll? I'm Dr. Deanna Iverson, and in our latest heart-to-heart, we tackle the silent struggle of parental burnout head-on. You'll recognize yourself in the stories shared, as we discuss the undeniable pride in our children's unique milestones, yet acknowledge the deep-seated exhaustion that can overshadow these joys. We delve into the complexities of our emotions, from the triumphant to the trying, and provide you with the tools to spot the warning signs of burnout. With personal anecdotes and a compassionate understanding of the journey, this dialogue is more than an exploration; it's a lifeline for those feeling the weight of isolation and fatigue in their special role.

Self-care isn't a luxury; it's essential for parents pouring their hearts into every aspect of their children's lives. As we unpack the importance of taking steps to prevent burnout, I extend an empowering reminder that caring for yourself enriches your ability to care for others. Our conversation is replete with actionable advice on building a supportive community that upholds you in your moments of doubt and celebrates your victories, no matter how small they might seem. It's more than just a podcast – it's a community that understands the profound love and dedication inherent in special needs parenting. So, tune in, find solace in our shared experiences, and join a network that's as committed to your well-being as you are to your child's.

Chapters

• 0:00 Recognizing and Addressing Burnout in Parents
• 14:51 Recognizing and Preventing Burnout

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:05

I believe that empowering parents of special needs children is like giving them the superpower of unconditional love and unbreakable determination. They are not just parents, they are true champions, shaping a bright future for their incredible children. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, and I'm glad you're here, deanna Iverson, and I'm glad you're here. Hello everyone, and welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. It's Dr D here. Today we're going to talk about self-care, with an emphasis on burnout. Have you ever felt exhausted, overwhelmed and burnt out? Well, you're not alone. Studies show that special needs parents experience a higher rate of burnout. This happens because of multiple things that are going on at the same time. Burnout is officially defined as a stage of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion, which is usually caused by excessive and prolonged stress. When you're a special needs parent, it's hard to get a break. You have excessive stress and it's definitely prolonged. Studies have also shown that parents struggle to find resources. So we want to talk a little bit about resources and we'll definitely revisit that again in a future podcast.

Speaker 2: 1:24

There's also that mix of emotions and, as we all know, emotions can be exhausting in their own right. We can be frustrated, experience, anxiety, fear. There's that weird pride and the unique strengths, mixed with that guilt and grief of things that are different. There's some determination, but there's also hopelessness and there can be a feeling of inadequacy. As a special needs parent, I know I've felt that before when I haven't been able to quite get what I knew or thought at the time my son needed, and I didn't know what else to do and I felt pretty inadequate, like there's got to be an answer. Why can't? I find that there's also that feeling of isolation. Family and friends, as much as they love us, sometimes they just don't know how to support us. And so we find out that maybe we've been left out, maybe there's a possibility that we are not a good fit for a situation and we have to leave. So this can lead to feeling judged, stigmatized, sad, frustrated again.

Speaker 2: 2:33

There's also that lack of self-care, and that's kind of what I want to hit on today. Is that lack of self-care because we as parents are so overwhelmed and wanting to do so much for our children that we forget to care for ourselves, and that really has to be a priority for us, whether that's from financial challenges or conflicts between our own needs and the needs of our child or someone else, maybe even that we're caring for at the same time. So there's so much going on here. There's a lot to talk about and we're obviously not going to cover it all in one episode today, but I did want to start with talking about self-care.

Speaker 2: 3:16

Burnout is something that happens when we forget to acknowledge it's okay to be where we're at sometimes. So let's build our toolbox, let's learn to cope with these emotional ups sometimes. So let's build our toolbox, let's learn to cope with these emotional ups and downs, and let's learn about our resources. So how to recognize burnout whether it's recognizing it in you or recognizing it in another friend or family member, we can help them get through it. Sometimes they just need a short break.

Speaker 2: 3:43

So there's some signs for burnout to look for Now. Remember, everyone feels tired, everyone feels sad and anxious. At times, everyone might struggle with sleeping, with big decisions coming up. What classifies something as burnout is when you have multiple of these things happening at the same time and again. Typically they can happen for prolonged periods, or these feelings, symptoms, can stay around for prolonged periods of time. So signs of burnout are things that you'd want to look for, multiple of these at the same time that feeling of fatigued, overwhelmed, hopeless, that feeling of frequent sadness, anxiety or depression and that doesn't mean it has to be diagnosed that feeling of difficulty when you're sleeping. Maybe you've awakened in the middle of the night, can't go back to sleep, maybe you're not able to even get to sleep in the first place.

Speaker 2: 4:44

A decrease in social interactions, or lack of interest in activities that were once enjoyable, like hobbies, spending time with loved ones, et cetera, and now we can't find that time. Maybe you're forgetful, you're really having difficulty concentrating, and that's not something you've had before. Or there could be those physical symptoms when people get burnout. There can be headaches, stomach aches, chest pains, burnouts. There can be headaches, stomach aches, chest pains. There's that irritability. You might notice that you're more angry or moody than you weren't before, more so than you had been before, or maybe even you just weren't. You've had people mention that to you. There's also feeling emotionally distant from your children or family, and that can be one of the more scary ones, because here you are pouring your energy, time and love and yet at the same time you're feeling distant from them.

Speaker 2: 5:43

So again, recognizing burnout is being able to say there's a lot of these present at the same time in my life or my friend or my family member's life, in my life or my friend or my family member's life, and I'm concerned. I'm concerned that it's been happening for too long, so I want to help them out. If this sounds like someone you know, it's really important to remember that we're not alone. The very first thing we can do as a parent of burnout or a friend or a family member, someone we know is burnout, is we need to start with the connections. We need to start with those connections. So start by acknowledging the emotions, acknowledging that they're there.

Speaker 2: 6:25

Emotions are weird. They can just happen to us. Feelings and emotions are not something we have control over. When they come on, they just happen. And sometimes there's primary, secondary emotions and they can happen either linear, one than the other, than the other, or they can happen all at the same time and it's like I'm sad and I'm angry and I don't know what to do, or I'm really, really frustrated and yet at the same time, I just want to quit and give up. I also feel completely disinterested. So emotions can be one of these things that just completely jump in and happen to us and when we sometimes don't pause and say I'm feeling this and it's okay that I'm feeling this, but now I have to figure out what I'm going to do with it. When we acknowledge that emotion right there, that's going to help us start preventing the burnout. We need to build our toolbox of coping mechanisms and that's that toolbox of self-care.

Speaker 2: 7:24

Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is a necessity, especially for parents of children with disabilities. We can find 10 minutes a day. I know it seems impossible sometimes, but if we can just find 10 minutes a day not a whole weekend, all the time, maybe not even a dinner out, but if we can find those 10 minutes to just say I'm going to take some time for myself, I'm going to actually do something for me that I find enjoyable, not 10 minutes. I've closed the door and called doctor's appointments, because sometimes that's what we do as parents. We're like, okay, I've got 10 minutes, I'm going to accomplish a goal I have to do. This is 10 minutes, just for you. Sometimes we have to budget it.

Speaker 2: 8:15

I know that there are times that I specifically will say, okay, I'm going to set aside. This time I have another girlfriend. She's really good about her faith studies, and so she will actually set her phone on a silent mode. It's like a do not disturb, so no one can ring through or anything else for about 30 minutes every morning. And there've been times I've even texted her and I've been like are you there? I haven't reached you and she'll text me back 30 minutes later. Oh, my phone was on, do not disturb. I was having my time with God.

Speaker 2: 8:47

So there are ways that we can say I'm just going to take 10 minutes, I'm going to shut out the worries of the world. For those 10 minutes I'm going to do something for me, and maybe that something is taking a quick shower. Maybe that shower is your something, Maybe it's your time with God, maybe it's you're going to go on a walk and you're going to get outside, or maybe it's you're going to practice meditation. There's been some really neat studies on how meditation can actually change blood pressure, cholesterol levels, pulse, everything. So practicing meditation is not necessarily something you have to start with yoga or any of these fancy things. You can actually download an app on your phone for that and just practice meditation.

Speaker 2: 9:32

Calmness, practice peace, because as a parent of a child with a disability, peace can be very hard to find. So make a difference for yourself. Daily self-care is going to go a really long way for your well-being. Build your support system. This is going to help you prevent that isolation feeling. When we build our support system, maybe our 10 minutes to ourself is texting a friend or calling to have that conversation or tell that funny story, something that makes us laugh. Maybe that's our 10 minutes of self-care that day.

Speaker 2: 10:10

But we need to have friends or family both inside and outside of that disability community. This creates a space where we can talk and connect with people in different ways. We might have friends inside the disability community because we need to call them and we need to talk about our struggles, but we know our friends outside of the disability community aren't going to understand our struggles the same way and they may not even be able to really listen the same way they want to. They want to try, but there's just times that they don't know how to empathize with that situation and it can leave us feeling more isolated when they respond in a way that we're like, not appreciative of. So, rather than that, save those talks, those self-care times for people that understand and are within that community, those self-care times for people that understand and are within that community For times that you just need to get away. That's okay. That's part of self-care is saying I'm going to go spend time with friends talking about things that are a lot less important than working through disability challenges, but yet they're really important for giving me a break, for making me feel whole as a parent and as just a person, as a woman, as a man, whatever it is. I feel whole as a person now because I can connect with something outside of my immediate stressors in my home, and sharing can also give empowerment. It can empower us with ideas, it can empower us with just a new drive and it can empower us with new knowledge and information. That was really important. So, building that support system.

Speaker 2: 11:48

Then you got to set realistic expectations, and that goes for both you and your child. You have to set realistic expectations for yourself, you and your child. You have to set realistic expectations for yourself. This isn't going to be easy all the time. There have definitely been days where I literally just want to curl up in a ball and cry, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact it's very normal. But then there are other days that I feel driven and empowered and I want to talk about it and I want to bounce ideas off other people and that's also okay. But I have to remember that when I make a mistake, when I'm not getting through to my child the way I wanted to, that's okay because that's my child setting the expectations for their ability and that's me setting the expectation for my ability, and maybe I'm going to analyze it with one of those special parents and come up with a new plan.

Speaker 2: 12:42

I have to understand the limitations, which is not admitting to weakness. It's setting up to locate the best supports and resources. There are limitations. Every one of us have them. Groups that we're involved with have them. Doctors have limitations. My son has a rare genetic disorder and doctors have limitations they don't get it right all the time. So understanding those limitations is not admitting to weakness. What it's saying is okay, because this is a limitation. We need to find someone else to incorporate in our group, to support and to build a strength in an area where there isn't one. Understanding our child's limitations can help us challenge them appropriately, because we want to see them grow, we want to see them change, we want to see them develop and have those wins, and if we set realistic expectations for our child, we're going to see more of those wins.

Speaker 2: 13:45

So part of self-care might be meditating on those moments of, or thinking about or listing how am I going to set realistic expectations for me, for my child, for my family, for my friends, so that I can go through and walk this walk in a way that's peaceful and maintains my feelings of happiness? And then, another thing that's really key when coping with burnout that self-care part of asking for help. It's really hard to find help when you have a child with a disability. Not everyone is there and able to help you out with watching your child or knowing how to support or respond. But there's probably a good friend or family member and I know that there are ways that people can set up respite care to help them get services. Even if it's that 10 minutes a day, that 10 minutes a day of saying it's okay for me to step away. That's what self-care is all about. That's how we avoid that burnout.

Speaker 2: 14:51

So let's review for a second. Do not be ashamed of burnout and know that you're not alone. You've got to know the signs of burnout. You've got to remember self-care is not selfish. Self-care is empowering. It will make you a better parent, spouse, friend, employee. So if you need more help with this, please make sure to go to the website, check the Facebook page and look for hey, how is it that I can connect, how is it that I can recognize and avoid any sort of burnout or activity that's happening? And then how can I start to build my toolbox with strategies and build my community and my resources? So this is Dr D here, and I want to remind you that this, this is special needs, parenting and this is love. Thank you, guys, for joining me today.

Speaker 1: 15:51

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast. For more information and to join our mailing list, visit specialparentorg.