The Silent Heroes in a Special Needs Family | Ep6

Navigating the uncharted waters of raising a special needs child alongside their neurotypical siblings can be a balancing act of love, care, and understanding. As a parent, it's sometimes easy to focus on the child who demands more immediate attention due to their needs, unintentionally casting a shadow on the quiet resilience of their siblings. I'm Dr. Deanna Iverson, and in this heartfelt discussion, we delve into the emotional terrain of these incredible families, paying tribute to the often unseen journey of the neurotypical sibling. With a blend of empathy and personal anecdotes, we explore the unique challenges they face, from feeling overshadowed to shouldering unforeseen responsibilities far beyond their years.

As we unwrap the layers of this family dynamic, we realize the critical role parents play in nurturing an environment where each child can flourish. Recognizing the subtleties of pressures placed on the neurotypical child, such as the inadvertent expectation to be 'the good one' or a 'people pleaser,' is essential. By offering strategies parents can employ to mitigate these pressures, this episode serves as a beacon of support, ensuring that all children feel valued and understood. So if you're looking to foster a more nurturing family atmosphere or gain insights into the world of special needs and their siblings, this episode is imbued with the wisdom and encouragement you need.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

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Speaker 2: 0:05

I believe that empowering parents of special needs children is like giving them the superpower of unconditional love and unbreakable determination. They are not just parents, they are true champions, shaping a bright future for their incredible children. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm glad you're here, dr Deanna Iverson, and I'm glad you're here. Hello everyone, and welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. This is Dr Deanna Iverson and I am so happy you're choosing to join me today. Today's topic is on siblings. Do you have a neurotypical child who is a sibling of a child with a disability or special needs? I know there's many of us that have to walk that too, and when we're walking through things as a parent, it's very easy sometimes to realize that our child who is neurotypical, the sibling, is walking through it too. They're just on a different journey. They're on the journey of being a sibling. So where do we start? Well, let's start with giving ourself grace as parents, and let's recognize that we as parents are spread very thin. Many parents work, juggle the doctor's appointments, juggle the therapies, juggle the school system. Then you're a parent to more than one child, because this is about siblings. You're a parent of more than one child, maybe more than one child with special needs. And then you have a child that's neurotypical and just trying to navigate the world. And let's be honest, parenting is hard, special needs child or not, this is not an easy walk that we're going to be on. So when we have to see that we're dividing ourselves so thin, what are some things we need to keep in mind for the sibling, first and foremost? Siblings can feel overlooked, ignored and less important. Not because you're doing anything wrong, mom, dad. It's because you're spread thin and you're having to put attention and focus on your child with a disability. That's somewhat normal, and siblings, especially when they're young, cannot really understand the need for that and how that juggles and how that looks. So they might feel less important. They might not understand why you spend more time with the other child. We as parents can feel very overwhelmed thinking about this, and that can just add to our stress and worry. So what we have to do is remember that just like we have to learn skills but just like we have to learn skills, so do our neurotypical siblings. They have to learn to cope. There is no right or wrong way to navigate being a sibling. They're on a journey that we will probably not understand, but we can support them through it, we can be with them through it. So here are some things with them through it. So here are some things.

Speaker 2: 3:10

Older children can see our stress and some of them especially those lovely ones that have a lot of empathy they're going to want to take on some of that burden for the parent because they feel that's how they can be helpful. They can't take them to doctor's appointments yet, they can't make decisions, so they're going to try to take on some other burdens and that can feel kind of helpless. So make sure that they have a role in a family that they can identify with. You see, they can tend to take on a role as though, well, I have to be the good one, I have to be the easy one, I have to be perfect, and that can create a people pleaser role in them and, as you and I know, you can't please everybody. We don't want them to take on that role. We want them to be who they are in their world and rock it. So be careful not to allow them to take on too much responsibility. Not that I'm saying we would place it on them necessarily, but sometimes, when they're trying to be helpful, they take on too much and it can take away from their ability to just be a child in the situation.

Speaker 2: 4:21

Siblings can also feel frustrated by little or big things that are going to alter experiences. So, for example, let's say that you do get to go to Disneyland or an amusement park or something like that, maybe a smaller place that's local to you, something like that. Let's say you do get to go there, but when you get there there's lots of loud noises and there's lots of stimulation and so parents aren't able to stay as long. Well, I'm sorry, your brother's sister is overwhelmed. We have to leave early, so it can cut things short and that can be frustrating. That can be hurtful to them. Well, I'm having a good time. Why are you asking me to make the bend and those kinds of things that can happen. But maybe we can point out hey, but we didn't have to wait in line for all of the things because we were able to do shorter lines because of your sibling. So help them find the silver lining on these rain clouds that are out there. They might have to leave a movie early because of what's happening. When these kinds of things come out.

Speaker 2: 5:29

The number one thing we can do as a parent is we can give them space to express their emotions without judgment. A safe space, a no judge space that just says no, I hear you, I hear you're frustrated. I understand that that hurt. If I were in your shoes I probably would have felt the same way. Just letting them know like, hey, I hear you and I can empathize with where you're coming from too. That's going to go huge for just helping them express their emotions. No judgment, no getting angry at them for feeling frustrated, definitely not turning it around on them. Well, how dare you say that your brother's sister with the disability can't control it? Well, they know that they don't need to hear it. They just needed to know you heard them. So, healthy expression of emotions, even if it's a little bit of anger, and they're expressing it in a healthy way. Safe space, without judgment that's so key. That'll help you bond with your neurotypical child in a way that you won't see, probably until a little later, but it can actually help your neurotypical child bond with their sibling, because now their sibling is a little less of a threat.

Speaker 2: 6:49

Mom and dad aren't taking sides. Mom and dad really do love us both and are trying to serve us both in the ways that they can, some positives. When I looked this up, I said, okay, let in the ways that they can Some positives. When I looked at this up, I said, okay, let's see what we can find Some positives for neurotypical children with siblings that have special needs. We see a strengthening of their empathy. We see them being more patient. They're more adaptable that's a great life skill. More resilient. They make through a lot of other things, make it through a lot of other situations that sometimes people don't even know how to navigate. But they've got that resiliency. They've got a greater level of tolerance for individual differences in general, which just makes them a better community member, a better member of a civic society. They can become protectors, which is a unique bond. They do tend to grow up quickly and that can be a positive.

Speaker 2: 7:47

They can bring the family closer because sometimes they have that unique perspective that can help other family members say, oh, okay, and they can talk a little differently than a parent would about their child. They can have conversations with aunts oh, okay, and they can talk a little differently than a parent would about their child. They can have conversations with aunts, uncles, cousins that are their same age to help them understand things and typically they have a more worldly perspective. They're inspired or driven to service careers or creating helpful devices, and so it's a lot of children that are siblings of special needs that end up going into careers where they're actually trying to create something to help humanity out with a problem. Some of the challenges of being a sibling there are higher rates of mental health issues. So key tip number one if you start thinking your child might need to talk to someone besides yourself, get them some professional help. Suggest they start with a school counselor or a professional counselor or even just another mentor.

Speaker 2: 8:53

They can have trouble bonding with their sibling. I've seen that with my own. Of my three boys, two of my boys are really closely bonded and the one with the more severe special needs is sometimes the third wheel in that conversation. They can feel shame for feeling frustrated. So they know that because of the disability the child is not behaving the same, can't do the same, whatever it is. And they can feel shame for feeling that frustration, just like you and I can sometimes be like I shouldn't have been embarrassed, but I was. That's another time when it's really great for us to be able to get on that one-on-one level with them and be empathetic and say hey, I do know how you feel, I get it. I've been there, I've felt similar feelings. They can feel isolated or alone.

Speaker 2: 9:44

So what's interesting is they also start wondering, much earlier than we realize. They start wondering what happens when my parents can no longer care for my sibling, right, that can be a little bit of a source of stress, and so they can start pretty early on, like in their early teens, starting to think wait a minute, someday mom and dad may not be able to care for my sibling. What's going to happen then? And for some of them, that's an easy answer. I know families are like, oh nope, they're going to move in with us or live by us or whatever city we're living in and they're going to be at everything. They're going to be at our holiday dinners, et cetera. And others are like we don't know how we'd care for him. We don't know what to do. I don't want that burden, and there's no shame in saying it I don't want that burden as a sibling. So what do I do? So these are some of the challenges that siblings can face.

Speaker 2: 10:46

So here are some tips and tricks. Parents, first and foremost. They are watching you. You are the cue ball. Be human with them. Don't try to be a superhero. Don't try to hide. Be human with them. Don't try to be a superhero. Don't try to hide. Be human with them. Make sure to get help for yourself, because part of being human for them is making sure that you have proper care so they don't start trying to care for you, because that's not healthy for them either. So make sure to get help for yourself. If you model that you have a community and that you maybe get counseling or that you have trusted people you can talk to, if you model that, they're likely to build that for themselves.

Speaker 2: 11:30

Neurotypical children need alone time with their parent, alone time. They need to be able to spend time with you without the stress of the disabled sibling around. It doesn't have to be a vacation. It doesn't have to be able to spend time with you without the stress of the disabled sibling around. It doesn't have to be a vacation. It doesn't have to be a long time. Great if you can do that, but it could even just be a meal out or a special time on a day, going together somewhere to do something, watching a movie together.

Speaker 2: 11:57

But find out what's important to your child and do that with them. It doesn't have to be very frequent, as long as they know that you care enough to do it. That's what's going to make the difference. Find out what's important to them. Spend time with them, one-on-one or two-on-one for two parents on one. Allow them to make their mistakes they are still children after all. They are still human after all. Allow them to make their mistakes they are still children after all. They are still human after all. Allow them to make their mistakes and then use those mistakes as teaching moments not as shaming moments, but as teaching moments, and that will include times they make mistakes and how they interact with their sibling, and it's okay. Keep that patience that same patience you want to have and should have with yourself that grace to say well, I didn't navigate that the way. I was hoping to have that with them too.

Speaker 2: 12:49

Express your love in a way that's meaningful to the neurotypical child. Carve out a few minutes for something that's different and unique for them. Actively listen as much as you can. Set aside time to engage them about their life, their life as an individual outside of being a sibling, their friend groups, their interest. Set time aside to just be a good, active listener and be with them.

Speaker 2: 13:17

Help them learn about their sibling's disability. This one's also key For them to understand how to navigate the future. They need to understand what they're dealing with, just like you do. It may not be appropriate to bring them to doctor's appointments or anything else like that, not necessarily, but just even sharing with them information you get from the doctors pamphlets, searches on Google, involving them in other, you know, like if you're involved in a support group, involving them in a support group kind of thing.

Speaker 2: 13:49

Help them learn about their child's disability their child, excuse me, their sibling's disability. Make sure they have time to still be a kid. Ears spread thin, they probably spread a bit thin too. Make sure they still have time to be a kid and they're not taking on too much responsibility helping around the house and the family. It's admirable. You still want them to be able to enjoy that time they have of less responsibility in life, because it's short, as we all know. Help them find a community of support and discuss the future with them. Discuss all aspects of the future, even the one where you're not around. You may not have the answers yet, that's okay and that's an important part of the discussion. So the key things here as a parent, your neurotypical child needs and loves you just as much. Communicate with them as much and as constant as you can Support them by listening and caring about their unique individual abilities. This is their journey too. Thank you so much for joining me today. This is Special Needs. Parenting, this is love. You guys have a great day.

Speaker 1: 15:05

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