Finding Strength Amidst Judgment: The Emotional Rollercoaster of Special Needs Parents | Ep16

Have you ever felt the weight of judgmental stares when your child's behavior is misunderstood? In today's heartfelt episode, we explore the raw and real challenges faced by parents of special needs children, seen through the lens of a profoundly moving blog by Kristen Crow. We delve into the emotional rollercoaster that parents endure, highlighting the dedication and resilience it takes to navigate public criticism and to raise these unique and wonderful children. Through Kristen's touching insights, we emphasize the necessity of patience, unconditional love, and the importance of educating the broader public on the realities of special needs parenting.

Do parents have the right to a moment of peace amidst the chaos? Absolutely. In this episode, we discuss why taking time for self-care is not just a luxury but a necessity for parents of special needs children. Despite the unpredictable nature of public outings, parents must understand that they are entitled to moments of relaxation without guilt, even if their child is having a tough time. Cherish the extraordinary joy in raising your children, knowing that it’s okay to not have all the answers. Remember, you are part of a supportive community that values mutual encouragement and understanding. Join us as we promote the essential message of self-care and shared support for these incredible parents.

Chapters

• 0:00 Parenting Challenges and Overcoming Judgement
• 14:20 Parenting Support and Encouragement

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:05

I believe that empowering parents of special needs children is like giving them the superpower of unconditional love and unbreakable determination. They are not just parents, they are true champions shaping a bright future for their incredible children. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm glad you're here. Have you ever had that look from someone else that just says, hey, lady, get control of your kid. Welcome to the special parent podcast. This is Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm here today to talk to you about a topic that I know is near and dear to all of us as special needs parents.

Speaker 2: 0:48

I found a blog by Kristen Crow, an amazing blog, which tells me this is not something that I myself have experienced, but it's something that many parents are experiencing. Have you ever just had someone say to you why did you bring your child? You knew that there was going to be a problem? Or how did you not know they were going to act a certain way? Or that look in the grocery store, that look in wherever you're at in public. That just is like judgmental. I think we've all had that and we all know as parents. It cuts so deep. That judgmental look or those words say to us as a parent, you're inadequate and you're not doing your job right, when anyone giving you that look has absolutely no idea all the background, all the things that you've done, all the hard work that you've put in and that you will continue to do to help your child learn appropriate behaviors, to learn appropriate reactions and responses. Many people talk about this in special needs groups and that's why I wanted to address it with you a little bit here today. We're not negligent parents just because our children don't act neurotypical, but those judgmental looks can make us feel this way. So we need to come together, we need to strengthen ourselves and each other, we need to be positive in the circles of special needs parenting.

Speaker 2: 2:11

So I wanted to read to you this blog by Kristen Crow, and there's a link that I'll put on my website, specialparentorg, that you can actually go to this page and read it for yourself, because I am going to have I'm going to shorten it just a little bit for the sake of time. It's actually called Lady, get Control of your Kid, because those of us with behaviorally disordered children especially when it's an invisible disorder and they don't, and I'm putting this in air quotes you cannot see look disabled. What is that look right If we have children where their disability manifests itself in behaviors. We get these stares, these glares, these looks of indignation. It could be an eye roll, it could be a huff, a puff blow the house down, but we're not going to let it blow our house down and that's why we need to talk about this. As special needs parents, we can see these expressions from other people and we have to remind ourselves they don't know what we're going through, but that's okay that they don't know. So the blog by Kristen Crow has amazing resources. She has her own website. That's why I'm like you've got to go to the resources link and look at this. Amazing resources on parenting stages and strategies. She has resources for even pregnancy. She has resources for families in various stages married, single, religious families, et cetera and even more on her website. So I highly suggest everyone take a look at it. She's a phenomenal resource for us as special needs parents, and this is what she wrote in her blog, and I'm going to remind you these are not my words, I'm quoting her.

Speaker 2: 3:56

Here we go Dear shoppers on the run, strangers waiting in line and cashiers at the counter. It may look like I have failed miserably at raising a well-behaved child. He appears to be an ordinary kid who somehow turned into a monster from bad parenting and maybe he is irritating you. Maybe you've been annoyed beyond belief at my child's outbursts. You've had a long day and my kid is whining, stomping his feet and refusing to stand still. He's bumping into you in line. He's giving you a headache, taxing I know.

Speaker 2: 4:33

Just to enlighten you, I spent a great deal of my life getting control of my kid. That includes visits with doctors, therapists, counselors, special education teachers and behavioral specialists. I read books, articles and often resort to my own trial and error experiments. My child has a disability. It's not just immediately apparent from his appearance. My all-consuming job of parenting this child is exhausting and there are times I sit at home in frustrated contemplation, wondering what I could do better. I want to help my child fit into the real world, but he is unique in every way. God designed him like that, perhaps to teach the rest of us a little patience and restraint and maybe unconditional love.

Speaker 2: 5:26

The truth is I'm a very good parent. I'm devoted, I use discipline and I've exhausted various timeout strategies. I don't eat bonbons and watch sitcoms while my kid has the run of the place. I haven't pampered him and spoiled him rotten, creating the reactions you're seeing. I'm not some kind of lame brain who shouldn't have the right to be a parent, and I don't mean you any harm. I'd simply like to purchase the macaroni and cheese and carrots and Cheerios in my cart and be on my way, but it does mean that you might be inconvenienced. I love my child. Forgive the disruption and thanks for understanding. Well, do you Sincerely the lady with the out of control kid PS. Can you babysit at my house on Friday night? End quote. I just love that.

Speaker 2: 6:24

I found it so inspirational when I read this. It said so many things to me, not just one circumstance in my life with raising my child, but so many circumstances. I know that sometimes my child's behaviors are an inconvenience to the people that are around him. I don't want it to be that way, and I know deep in his little heart he wouldn't want it to be that way either. But he hasn't learned yet or he may not be able to learn something, and therefore it's my job as his parent to help protect him, and so I'm going to do the best that I can. But sometimes people forget we as parents. We still have to function, we still have to go to the grocery store and know we can't always afford to have a babysitter come, but if it's that big of an inconvenience, can you come babysit my kids so I can go to the grocery store? I loved that question. That was one of my favorite moments in the entire reading because it's the idea that somehow we're supposed to be able to find care when even parents with typical age children can't always find babysitters or care. So it's not that easy. In addition to that, some of the things that I really liked that she said in here I myself I read books, I read articles.

Speaker 2: 7:45

I resort to my own trial and error experience. I do those things and I'm sure many of you do. Heck, if you're listening right now, boom, you're doing one of those things. Right now. You are giving your all, you're trying your best, you're fitting in parenting, working life, family and hopefully some sort of friends and some way to care for yourself, and it is just not easy to throw all those balls in the air and start that juggle. But we can do this when we come together and we support each other.

Speaker 2: 8:16

I sometimes have just looked at people that have been annoyed and I've said to them I'm sorry, it's his disability and it's going to be okay. One time I probably was a little irritated and I just looked up and I said it's not really that bad, you'll be fine. So sometimes, as parents, we're these lovely individuals who convey everything perfectly and sometimes we get a little snippy with those looks because, as we all know, it's really hard to be judged. It really cuts to the core and you're just not always going to have the perfect response. So what I want to talk to you about is what can we do? What are some things we can put in our little wheelhouse that we can stick in the back of our brain so when we're in that frustrated moment we can go okay, let me just pull this out.

Speaker 2: 9:03

So I don't say something I really don't want to say, because our ultimate goal is parenting right, is to have the world help understand our child or their disability or children in general. So what can we do to help strengthen and grow an understanding, rather than have people just kind of get into that ingrained system of oh there's another one. Let's help pull out of that, let's pull out of that cycle, let's pull out of that stereotype. So, first and foremost, we can be patient with others, forgiveness and grace and love always win. In fact, when you see that irritated look, you could even just look at them and say thank you so much for understanding how hard we're trying. I really appreciate it. Now, they probably weren't. However, you're spreading love by saying thank you to someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it and hopes that it gives them that kind of that shock value of oh yeah, oh, you're right, yeah, you need a little bit of grace too right now. So forgiveness and grace will always win and spreading that love.

Speaker 2: 10:08

It's also okay with people that you have the opportunity to have the hard conversations with grace and kindness. Sometimes that's more friends and family. Obviously, you don't have many opportunities with the guy in the grocery store, but hey, if it presents itself, go for it, jump in with both feet but have that hard conversation. Well, yes, this is because of a disability. A disability doesn't mean an excuse, but it absolutely is a reason, and it's a reason that we continue to fight the battles that we fight, that we continue to read, that we continue to push forward. It's also a reason the child hasn't learned the skill yet or maybe never will, depending on your child and that is an okay reason. It's not an excuse. It's not something you should be ashamed of. It's a reason and it's valid. So talk to people about that reason. Help educate them on not only the disability but your child themselves, because every disability manifests differently. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. So that's my point number three. You can just say, all right, well, thank you, I've heard you, I hope you've heard me, and then you have to go along your way.

Speaker 2: 11:11

Not everyone is going to be able to modify or change the way that they think or see the world. Not everyone is able to modify their mindsets, and we, as special needs parents, sometimes need to modify our mindsets and be courteous and respectful and patient with others, recognizing that we don't owe them an apology for our kids inconvenience, but we absolutely can understand how they may feel in the moment. So we can be graceful with them too and just agree to move on. One thing that's really neat, especially as parents, is when we can learn a safe place and people to be around. Sometimes we're going to push through those hard times. Maybe it's a family event, or maybe it's going to the park because you just really want to have some sit down girl time, but you know your child's going to be a terror on the play set. Other times we say we have to prune people or situations from our lives. I say pruning because when you prune a tree or a plant, you cut it and that temporarily injures it like a scratch. It doesn't kill the tree, though, and so when we prune, we take things out of our lives and that can hurt people or things that we just know are not healthy for us to continue with or for our child to be around. So sometimes we just have to learn when our safe places are and our safe people are and stick to those.

Speaker 2: 12:41

A key point here never give up. Moms, dads, caregivers, adopted parents, guardians I just challenge you to never give up. Take your moments when you need them. Make sure to do self care. I have plenty of podcasts on that ones to help give you lots of ideas. But just never give up. Keep pushing forward. Keep giving other people a chance and an opportunity. Don't give up on them and don't give up on yourself and don't give up on your child. Everybody can grow through these situations. Build a community. Take time for yourself.

Speaker 2: 13:10

I know that's not easy. I just read something in one of someone said build a community and I thought well, how do I do that? I can't figure it out. One of my previous podcasts is on how to build a community of people around us. It takes a while. Sometimes it starts by being alone and that's the hardest part. But you're not alone. Your community may not be people within your physical presence. It may be online. It may be someone that you reach out to through work or something like that. But the more open we are, the more we discuss our lives a little bit with others, is the more we learn that community that we can build around us, the community of friends that can understand or that want to be immersed in our lives, regardless of the challenges. Finally, I highly suggest you read blogs by Kristen Crow I will post them on my resources page. She is amazing or blogs by other parents. I have several books again on my resources page that I have read by special needs parents or by authors that have compiled thoughts of many special needs parents.

Speaker 2: 14:20

You are not alone. We are in this together and guess what you do get to bring your child? You do, as a parent, still have the right to have the moments of relaxation and have other people understand that. That may mean you just take a moment away and you let your kid kind of. Maybe they're a little annoying in the cart or a little too loud in the store or maybe they were a little too rambunctious on the playground. But you needed those five moments, those 10 moments, that 30 minutes, and that's okay too. You've deserved that.

Speaker 2: 14:51

So you do get to bring your kid and know you don't know every problem that they're going to present. In fact, half the time we're like whoa, where'd that come from? And that's okay to present. In fact, half the time we're like whoa, where'd that come from? And that's okay. So, lady, do your best Love on others, spread the joy of getting to know and getting to raise your special, unique, amazing and wonderful child. This is Dr Deanna Iverson with the Special Parent Podcast, and I'm here for you. Please reach out if there's ever anything that you need. Take care, folks.

Speaker 1: 15:24

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast. For more information and to join our mailing list, visit specialparentorg.