Consistent Parenting Techniques for All Children | Ep22

Can disciplining your special needs child strengthen or strain your marriage? Join Brian and me, as we share practical insights and heartwarming stories on the Special Parent Podcast. Hear how we navigate the often challenging waters of setting consistent expectations for our children, both with and without disabilities. We promise you'll come away with new strategies for training behavior positively and managing your reactions to those tricky negative actions.

Discover the keys to promoting responsibility and independence in your children without the pressure of striving for perfection. We dig into the importance of modeling accountability and the power of giving your child choices to foster a sense of autonomy. Listen as we share relatable anecdotes, like handling cell phone etiquette during family conversations, to illustrate the real-world application of effective parenting strategies.

Finally, we tackle the complex issue of behavior modification, especially in the context of modern technology. Learn from our personal experiences with our oldest son on the spectrum and the delicate balance of allowing responsible phone use. Consistency is crucial, but so is patience and adaptation, and we discuss how to keep all caregivers on the same page. We close the episode with heartfelt gratitude to our listeners and supporters, underscoring how your involvement makes the Special Parent Podcast a beacon of support for parents everywhere.

Chapters

• 0:00 Parenting Special Needs Children
• 13:01 Promoting Responsibility and Independence in Children
• 19:08 Effective Behavior Modification Strategies
• 26:34 Supporting Special Needs Parents

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proud mom of three boys and two incredible kids with special needs. I'm here to remind you that you're not alone on this journey. Whether you're navigating the highs, the lows or those moments in between, this podcast is your weekly dose of hope, help and heartfelt guidance. Together, we'll celebrate the victories, tackle the challenges and connect with a community that truly understands. So grab your favorite cup of coffee or tea, settle in and let's embark on this empowering journey together. You've got this. Hi everyone.

Speaker 1: 0:43

Welcome back to the Special Parent Podcast. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I have a special guest with me here today my husband and daddy Brian. How are you doing so? We're here today to talk to you about those moments when you say what the heck do I do with this behavior my child just chose and this can be the reason dad is here is. This can be one of those huge contentions in marriage is how do I discipline, how do I handle a behavior? What am I going to do about? And that can be something that can really weigh on a marriage, and that's why I wanted to make sure to kind of have a conversation with us about what are some things that we've done, and then also what are some things that we can suggest for then also what are some things that we can suggest for you guys.

Speaker 1: 1:26

This is going to be a three-part episode. The next two will be audio only, just so you know. One of the things we're going to talk about, though, is first, I'm going to talk a little bit about when we know our child struggles with understanding. How do we discipline when we know understanding is a struggle? So that's one of the things I wanted to talk about first. We know understanding is a struggle, so that's one of the things I wanted to talk about first. The reality is, when special needs kids are born and we start recognizing that there's problems, we, as parents, already jump in, knowing there's going to be special circumstances, they're going to have challenges and at times that can make us go well. If we know that they're already struggling and challenging, how can I discipline my child, you know, is it fair to punish them for certain behaviors when I know they're struggling their own?

Speaker 2: 2:18

And then, in our case, with two other boys at home in the context of how we discipline our other boys who don't struggle with these disabilities. How do we manage that dynamic as well?

Speaker 1: 2:24

Yes, well, mom and dad and I'm sure anybody with siblings gets this you let so-and-so do such and such, do you set the bar differently or do you not?

Speaker 2: 2:32

And I, you know my inclination is to is to. He's got to function in the real world, and so I I tend to try not to set a different bar, but then there are times where I just I just feel like I have to set a different bar.

Speaker 1: 2:52

But then there are times where I just I just feel like I have to set a different bar and I think we all struggle with that for sure. And so one of the things is it's key for children Discipline is to train behavior. It's not about punishment. It's not about anything other than making the child start to understand oh, there are limitations to how I can behave and function in the world, Because we know that our behavior in our workplace, in social atmospheres, et cetera, is going to dictate our social groups. It's going to dictate our success.

Speaker 1: 3:17

So when we as parents start to discipline, we have to have a goal, and our goal has to be training behavior. Our goal is not punishment. Our goal is not to make somebody else in the store feel okay that we punished our kid, because that sometimes comes up. You know you're embarrassed and everything else. You want to feel like you have to look like you're a good parent. The goal really is training the behavior of the child, not worrying about the rest of the world's reaction to it. So first things first. I want you to know I've got a lot of resources on specialparentorg specifically about this topic because I did some research with children that struggle with understanding and children that are slower in the learning departments. How can we really help guide behavior? And there are some key principles that work for all children, especially children with those.

Speaker 1: 4:03

So key principle number one praise the good and do your best to ignore the bad. That's hard, isn't it?

Speaker 2: 4:21

Almost impossible sometimes. I mean and it's by no means unique to a unique challenge to parents of kids with disabilities. You know, trying to, the key there is seeing it through from their perspective or their capability, versus what you know about how the world works or how a behavior should how you should behave in a given situation. And that's, but it is compounded with kids of disabilities.

Speaker 1: 4:43

It is because any attention we give our child is attention. Yeah, so if your child is sitting there going mom, mom, mom, and you turn around and go, mom's not going to talk to you until you stop hitting her, but you just did, you just talked to your child, you know. So it's that struggle between when do we do it too, when do we?

Speaker 2: 5:03

discipline. It's so hard. Like cause I on one hand. I feel like you have to show them what kind of a real world reaction they might get, like there is going to be negative reaction negative reinforcement out there where it's like oh wow, they're really pissed off that I did that or said that, or acted that way.

Speaker 2: 5:22

So how do you, as a parent, balance positive reinforcement which I believe is really the best way to get them to outgrow bad behaviors and to grow up to be good, functioning members of our community is positive reinforcement. So a lot of it, I guess, comes down to our own awareness of when we're being that negative or being or getting angry Right, and our awareness of their fault.

Speaker 1: 5:50

Our awareness of the positive moments. How many times do things? Things are going well and all we think is okay, don't say anything, it's going good right now.

Speaker 2: 6:00

Yes.

Speaker 1: 6:00

Don't jinx it. So I think sometimes we almost don't recognize the positive because we're so happy it's going well. We just want to enjoy the moment, and so our attention is required sometimes when it's negative and therefore that creates a problem. So one of the tips that they talked about in my research was, when it's safe and possible, if your child is behaving a certain way, leave the room or just turn your back. Simply the action of turning your back you stay in the room. You know those kinds of things turning your back and then counting to 30 and acting like you're completely distracted by something else. If they are doing that attention to get your behavior, they might escalate it. They might say, all right, well, let's try a little harder then. But if they're safe and you're able to turn your back and wait for them to sometimes just get distracted by something else, okay, that didn't get what I wanted. Move on to the next topic or change the behavior. So now they're going to change the behavior because that one didn't work.

Speaker 1: 7:03

So one of the things they said is if you can leave the room, great. If you can't leave the room, again, safety is priority. Turn your back, try to just give that. Close your eyes, don't give them that direct attention for whatever that behavior is, and wait for the behavior to change, as long as safety stays the key thing, long as safety stays the key thing. I remember we used to have checklists for the kids when they were younger and they would be able to, you know, caught being good, and so it was kind of like a star chart, you know, or something, but ours was a checklist and they would caught being good, caught being good. So that helped me and the kids, because the kids would walk up mom, did you see that that could get me a token, or you know? And so that was one way to reinforce positive behavior. And then I do remember we taught our kids put your hand on me. So I'm talking to an adult.

Speaker 2: 7:53

And they do that to this day.

Speaker 1: 7:54

To this day. My 17-year-old just did that yesterday.

Speaker 2: 7:57

You need my attention and I am in a conversation with somebody else. Put your hand on my shoulder. I absolutely know that you need my attention, and so two things will happen. I'm going to to speed along whatever conversation I'm or not speed along.

Speaker 1: 8:13

Or recognize a natural pause.

Speaker 2: 8:15

I'm going to find a natural pause to then come to you and all things you know delayed gratification, you know, yeah, yeah, it teaches patience.

Speaker 1: 8:25

Right, we got to teach patience. I put my hand, so a lot of times it's on my shoulder. Um, I'll put my hand on the shoulder, so on top of theirs. They put their hand, I put my hand, and then that lets them know I recognize you're here.

Speaker 2: 8:35

Touch them back. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:37

And sometimes, especially as they've, the wait time has been extended and gotten longer. Or there are other times I've been like I really do need to finish this. Can you go write down what you want to tell me? You know if they can write, or something like that, and that's kind of helped too.

Speaker 2: 8:51

I think that that one, this one little thing that we've done with them I I'm sure of it has helped them with their patients generally speaking, with other people and not just trying to break in the room or in the event matter and I need to wait my turn. I think it's probably gone a long way for that.

Speaker 1: 9:15

Yeah, I bet you're right. It's helped in that way too. I didn't think of that. All right, tip number two. Tip number two determine why the behavior is happening.

Speaker 1: 9:23

A lot of times when we have behaviors, especially if they're more on the extreme scale, we react as parents Whoa, stop, what are you doing? And that reaction in and of itself is the attention. If we can take a deep breath, maybe not turn our backs we have to maintain the safety. But even if we can take a deep breath and just take for ourselves the one who's still not in their emotional brain and think for 30 seconds, why did my kid do that? So for an example two, I'm just going to say siblings, because we have boys. Two siblings are playing together and all of a sudden we see one hit the other, which is very typical for boys. One hit the other instead of going oh we don't hit, shame on you. We take 30 seconds and we analyze the situation. Why did the hit happen?

Speaker 1: 10:10

Okay, so now we're going to go over and maybe even have a little bit of a conversation, or maybe we know why the hit happened and we can say hey, I understand, you're really mad that your brother just took the toy you were playing with, but we don't hit. So let's practice what we do instead. So that's kind of. The key thing is, if we can understand why their behavior happened, we can help them learn a more productive way to deal with it. And then practice. I'm a big person I guess it's because I'm a counselor I'm a big person in practice. All right, we're going to practice it. You're going to be playing with the toy. Okay, brother, take the toy.

Speaker 2: 10:43

Yeah, I mean practice is that's in all. We should be practicing in all facets of our life. I mean in work practice, how you will relate to customers in given circumstances. I mean to me that's an ideal activity for any kid growing up, but especially certain children with disabilities who might have cognitive deficiencies or autism if they're on the spectrum and they struggle with understanding people's body language and things like that. I mean practicing can definitely help them to recognize as they grow older and manage themselves in situations a lot better, I think.

Speaker 1: 11:24

Yeah for sure. And it's not always a good time to practice. So the example I gave was that perfect scenario when you could now sit down and have the practice time. But that's not always going to be the way it is. So sometimes we have to say nope, we're not going to do that and we have to remember, as parents, to come back to it later and talk about it and still practice. So we can practice the how do I react when my sibling takes the toy. But then we can practice with the other sibling asking for the toy and the whole thing. So it can become a big ordeal with that, which means sometimes we don't have time, but we have to remember to come back to it and at least readdress it with the kids, all right.

Speaker 1: 11:59

So tip number three we as parents have to model the appropriate behaviors we expect ourselves, which isn't easy sometimes. My son said to me that, mom, I've seen you lose your mind sometimes and yell at us. And I'm like, yes, I have. And yet I tell them don't yell at your sibling and I've yelled myself. So when we get confused, when we get bothered, when we get flustered, the best thing for us to do is work on our emotional control, model it for ourselves or, if we don't do a good job, back around and address it with our kids you know you saw mom, dad, lose their temper, that wasn't good of me to do and and then kind of process it with them. And even with kids that have a hard time understanding, they can understand a lot of times when you say I'm sorry that I yelled at you or I'm sorry I raised my voice and I know that was probably scary for you, those kinds of things. So modeling the behavior ourselves can be a challenge, well and along.

Speaker 2: 13:01

what goes along with that is modeling responsibility and and taking responsibility for times where you were absolutely not at your best, which we all are, as parents. Nobody is is immune to these type of these type of situations where you kind of not at your best, which we all are as parents.

Speaker 2: 13:14

Nobody is immune to these type of situations, where you kind of lose your cool a little bit and you get a little angry, and that kind of thing. I mean, one of the things I'm trying to teach our boys is to take responsibility for when they are adults or when they become parents. Your kids need to see you take responsibility for when you mess up, because they need to know you're not perfect, right that they don't need to be. You know they don't need to be.

Speaker 1: 13:39

They don't need to be perfect either. Perfect humans.

Speaker 2: 13:41

We all need to be working to improve ourselves, but taking responsibility is a huge part of personal development.

Speaker 1: 13:46

Absolutely. The next tip is give choices when you can. Now, we can't always give choices, but if we start giving choices, what we teach is independence. We teach independence. So in the example it says a time-directed request. So there's two different ways to use countdown. One is effective for discipline and one is not. So, for example, if you say, hey, bedtime is in five minutes, all right, everyone bedtime's in three minutes, bedtime's in one minute, start your musical countdown. That's an effective way because it's giving them a heads up that something is coming, and especially with ADHD kids, that five minutes, 10 minutes, two minutes probably felt the same to them every single time. So for them, they need that countdown. It's really good for them. In fact, sometimes I need it for myself. Oh, look at that. I have a friend who says that she has a music playlist. That's exactly the amount of time it takes her to get ready in the morning and she hits that playlist. So she tracks her time.

Speaker 2: 14:46

I find that time blindness can can be a problem when it comes to I totally those countdowns I've used. We use all the time but there have been plenty of times, especially with our youngest one, where 20 minutes and then 10 minutes and then it's like he didn't even hear the 10 minute one. Then I come in and say five minutes and he goes wait a minute, you just said 20 minutes, I did 15 minutes ago.

Speaker 1: 15:13

So the countdowns can be beneficial, but it does help teach independence. When it's not effective, though, is when you say I asked you to go pick up that toy. You need to go pick it up for three. You're counting for compliance. You're giving them power, and we don't want to do that. We want to really work on the fact that it's like I've asked you.

Speaker 2: 15:33

That's interesting because that's a power. As a parent, we've all done that. It feels like a power move for us.

Speaker 1: 15:40

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 15:41

But you're saying it has the opposite effect.

Speaker 1: 15:42

It has the opposite effect. It gives them power. Oh, I have five seconds, I can delay this, I don't have to pick it five more seconds. And kids are master manipulators because that is what they are built to do. They are built to find the limits that are set for them, and if the limit is, I can wait five more seconds to pick up that toy and comply. Well, I've already gotten away with not doing it the first time. Now they're counting down, I get away with it a little bit longer.

Speaker 1: 16:07

So it gives them kind of that power, and we want to teach them independence. But we don't want to teach them power. We want to also teach compliance, because your boss is going to expect compliance or you're not going to be hired. One of the other ones, too, was giving them kind of that countdown, as in the option of saying hey, I need you to go put your laundry away or I need you to pick up the toys. Do you want to stop right now and do that? But I see you're in a game. Would you rather finish this round?

Speaker 2: 16:40

See, I like that because that also demonstrates respect for them, and kids need to be respected, also by their parents. Kids are their own person and I think it's important for them to also feel a sense of respect. So if that's you respecting their boundary, which is a good thing, that's not a bad thing. Right, kids need to have their own boundaries.

Speaker 1: 17:01

Exactly, they really do. They really do and when they feel that, I think they feel, oh, I have a choice right now. It gives them the right power and control.

Speaker 2: 17:12

Positive empowering, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:14

And so I think that that's a key factor that we want to work in with children is understanding when it's appropriate to have choices and when it's appropriate to just comply. Yep, so all right Consequences must relate to behavior. So, for example, every perfect consequence loses its effectiveness if it doesn't actually challenge or change the behavior that you're looking for. And you had a great one with our youngest and the cell phones recently. You were noticing that well, I mean, they all walk around like this nowadays. In fact, half of the adults do so.

Speaker 1: 17:52

Everyone has a cell phone. It's a mini computer in our hands. We function every day with it. It's communication. There's nothing evil in and about the cell phone itself, but especially with young children, it's become such a distraction device that you go okay, the consequences that I said something to you. You didn't want to be interrupted on your cell phone, so you were. They kind of become this monster that comes out and it's like wait, hold on a minute, what happened? So you talked to our son a little bit about putting your cell phone down for conversation times.

Speaker 2: 18:23

Right, right, but it was um. So we we went out to to breakfast together and we were sitting there and he was on his phone and I was not on my phone and I just sort of nudged him and I said so you know, tell me, um, you know what, what are you going to do for the rest of today, after breakfast today? And and he puts his phone down and um, and he starts telling me, you know what what his day is going to be like.

Speaker 2: 18:46

And then and then he met. He goes to pick up his phone and I go, I go, I'm keeping my phone over there so I can talk to you, and he and he, without telling him directly to do it, he did that. He pushed his phone away and for the next like 45 minutes that we were there at the table, he did not touch his phone. It was amazing and it was awesome.

Speaker 1: 19:03

Yeah, that is amazing 45 minutes of not touching their phone 45 minutes. Usually that's the consequence I was monitoring.

Speaker 2: 19:09

This was like a social experiment. I was like what's going on here? I've been to lean into this.

Speaker 1: 19:14

Let's admit it, we all do social experiments with our children.

Speaker 2: 19:19

But not every kid's Again. Kids are all pretty much addicted to their phones, right? It's very difficult, and when we know they?

Speaker 1: 19:27

love something like a phone. Typically that's the consequence. Let's take away the thing that they like. But if it's not related to the behavior, it's not helpful. So, for example, I noticed that one night we heard noise coming from our son's bedroom and I was like I think he's, I think he has phone in there. I think he took his phone in. So it was like it's funny. I said call him. He answered his phone. We're like mm-mm.

Speaker 2: 19:55

Yes, what dad.

Speaker 1: 20:02

So the next day it was. I want you to be responsible with your cellular device, because it's going to be with you the rest of your life, so you need to learn some limitations, let's clarify real quick.

Speaker 2: 20:08

So this is our oldest and we do have a standing rule that phones aren't allowed to be in the room, but we did make an exception for our oldest because he was demonstrating responsibility. He was to the best that we could. We could you know track, but he was using it for music at night. He really needed it. Um, we tried the Google speaker thing, but for some reason it didn't work out he does.

Speaker 1: 20:29

When I wake him up in the morning, the music's playing.

Speaker 2: 20:32

Our oldest is on the spectrum and he'll put the same song on and it'll just loop the whole night.

Speaker 1: 20:36

It would drive me insane For him that's comforting.

Speaker 2: 20:40

I just wanted to clarify.

Speaker 1: 20:43

We had the talk the next day. I said you've earned the privilege of having your phone in there at night because you've demonstrated responsibility. Last, of having your phone in there at night because you've demonstrated responsibility, and last night we caught you not being responsible.

Speaker 1: 20:53

Yeah, so this is your only warning. The consequence will be you want to have your phone in your room again. We haven't heard a peep since. Yeah, and he's been falling asleep at a regular time. Excuse me, and I do peek in there sometimes to Chuck and he's making sure to wake up. He's not having trouble sleeping during the day or anything else like that. So it seems to be.

Speaker 2: 21:12

I know what some of our listeners are saying right now. Well, he probably has earbuds in or something like that, but we've, we check on that, and he doesn't wear those to bed.

Speaker 1: 21:20

He actually has earned that responsible privilege but it's taken time. In fact, our middle son will ask us why does, why does you know older brother get to do this? And I've had to say because he's demonstrated responsibility. And I know you're still working on that responsibility. And that's been a good behavior modification conversation, because it's not anyone doing anything wrong. It's answering the question as to why is someone getting a privilege? I don't get. Well, because they've demonstrated responsibility. So I'm not even having to talk about punishments, I'm getting to talk about rewards, I'm getting to talk about that and I think that that's a great opportunity. So if we see, if you don't have siblings for your kids, if you see people out in the world you know, oh well, they get to have this job or do this privilege because they've demonstrated responsibility. Driving is one of them. You have to earn the privilege to drive and it's more than just a license. It's the responsible driver behind the wheel, all the parts of driving. So, yeah, so that's I kind of sidetracked, I'm sorry, sorry about that.

Speaker 1: 22:27

Consequences relate to behavior. So if they're refusing to do something and we consequence just because they like to do something else, sometimes that helps, but then sometimes it will not. And key thing to learn is did the consequence change the behavior? If the consequence did not change the behavior, then it wasn't the right consequence and you're going to have that happen. I know we've had that happen. And so you just you move on and next time you try the next thing, or you try what you hope will work again. So it it don't worry if your consequence doesn't work every time, just kind of say, okay, I learned from that. Now what am I going to try? Different?

Speaker 2: 23:05

next time Don't worry about it, but also recognize that it might not be working and you need to try something else.

Speaker 1: 23:11

Yes, all right. Hardest part, last tip Consistency. It really is hard, especially when we know that our special needs kids are slower learners. A lot of times slower learning means it's going to take a lot more time for them to learn something. And you will see that children their age have figured something out and you're saying to yourself they still don't have it. And that can be absolutely exhausting as a parent to go okay, we're going to do this again, we're going to keep on doing this. And sometimes it makes you question is it working? Sometimes it makes you question is it working? Sometimes it makes you question is it working? Do I need to do something different? Other times it just means I just have to keep sticking with it, and that's such an individual.

Speaker 2: 24:02

And that is hard. As a parent, you often question yourself. Everybody does. Why is that not working?

Speaker 1: 24:13

I usually think I'm a good dad, but this is situations making me feel like I don't know what the heck I'm doing right um, oh yeah, but sticking with it, you know, committing to it the the and if you have multiple caregivers in the house, like if you're, if you're lucky enough to have have and respite providers or occupational therapists coming into your home, that creates a lot of consistency. Yeah, you, you have to make sure everyone's on the same page and we've had to have those conversations and I know we've even talked about oh, that's exhausting and luckily we have a good relationship with our the caregiver and so she's even come to us and said so I noticed the way that you or Brian or whoever did something and I had a thought about that and I appreciate that about her, because that took some serious guts. She's in our house, these are our kids, but she really honestly cared about their development. That's why she was giving that suggestion. But I have to tell you it really was like a punch in the gut to have someone else kind of critiquing.

Speaker 1: 25:10

You know how it was handled, but at the same time it really was like a punch in the gut to have someone else kind of critiquing how it was handled, but at the same time it got us on the same page together further along and at the end of the day our kids saw a team of people who have the same expectations and consistently are handling things the same way.

Speaker 1: 25:24

And I think that that was really key. That was my last one, so remember key things here. That was my last one, so remember key things here. When we talk about disciplining children, regardless of age and abilities, anything and everything we do, we are trying to modify behavior so that they can be more successful in social groups, in work groups, in general, so that they can just have happier experiences with family together. They can have happier experiences with friends.

Speaker 1: 25:54

We want our children to learn behavior modification for their own benefit, so it's okay to keep trying, it's okay to never give up and it's absolutely 100% okay to say that didn't work and I'm going to have to try something else. Reach out through social media groups. Reach out through any sort of like autism group. Utilize therapists, utilize counselors and talk about discipline strategies and be okay to say the old ways that worked for someone or the ways that worked for one child aren't going to be the same for everybody. So and we know that can be exhausting If you need anything, reach out SpecialParentorg. We're here for you guys. So thank you so much for listening. Have a great day. This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast. For more information and to join our mailing list, visit specialparentorg.