Confidence in Care: Practical Discipline Tips for Special Needs Parents | Ep23

Can discipline really be a tool for growth and empowerment in children with special needs? On this follow-up to episode 22 of the Special Parent Podcast, we're tackling this profound question head-on. We'll explore the internal struggles parents often face when setting boundaries, and how these decisions can influence our children's potential to learn and thrive. Join me as I share personal stories and professional insights from therapists, respite providers, and fellow parents who have navigated these challenging yet rewarding waters.

Discover the nuances of behavior modification with practical reinforcement strategies tailored to the unique needs of special children. We’ll clarify the differences between positive and negative reinforcement and emphasize the crucial role of consistency. Understanding each child's cognitive and developmental stages is key, and we’ll discuss why a unified approach among caregivers is so vital. You'll learn about the importance of community support and creative, individualized solutions to behavioral challenges.

Finally, we'll highlight the indispensable role of siblings and the power of teamwork in fostering positive behaviors. From setting clear goals to implementing effective strategies, we cover it all. Plus, we emphasize the importance of self-care for parents and the magic of celebrating small victories. By creating a "wins jar," you can document and reflect on those positive moments that fuel motivation and resilience. So tune in for an empowering message: you've got this, and your child has the potential to flourish with the right discipline and support.

Chapters

• 0:00 Disciplining Children With Special Needs
• 10:45 Understanding Behavior and Discipline Strategies
• 16:39 Effective Discipline Strategies for Caregivers
• 27:26 Building Confidence in Special Needs Parenting

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proud mom of three boys and two incredible kids with special needs. I'm here to remind you that you're not alone on this journey. Whether you're navigating the highs, the lows or those moments in between, this podcast is your weekly dose of hope, help and heartfelt guidance. Together, we'll celebrate the victories, tackle the challenges and connect with a community that truly understands. So grab your favorite cup of coffee or tea, settle in and let's embark on this empowering journey together. You've got this. Have you ever struggled with knowing how and when to consequence a special needs child? I know that I have.

Speaker 1: 0:46

Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and we're here today talking about discipline with children who have disabilities. This is actually part two. We're going to have a three-part episode on this one. In part one, I had a special guest, my husband and father of three children, mr Brian Iverson, and we started talking about disciplining special needs children and the parental role in that and how we as parents, how it's not always easy to unite together. Sometimes it can be a struggle between a couple. So if you didn't have a chance to see that one, please tune to special parentorg and take a look at that episode. It gives you an opportunity to see how we attempt to navigate these challenging situations.

Speaker 1: 1:32

Today we're going to talk about what it's like for disciplining. First of all, when a child is born with special needs, especially as needs maybe get more challenging or progress or get more severe, we notice as parents from the get-go. We notice that it is going to be very challenging for us and there are going to be limitations for our children, and these limitations sometimes can make us feel like we don't want to put any other limitations on our child. We already know that life's going to be different, that our children are going to have challenges and we as parents are going to have challenges that are just different and unique than the regular population that is out there. So when that happens, we can feel that discipline adds more limitations to our children or it heightens their disability, and sometimes that makes us question if we should be doing discipline at all.

Speaker 1: 2:32

What was hard for me to learn, but what I have found through research supporting it at all, refusing discipline conveys. I don't believe that you can learn to be any different. Ooh, boom, knife in the heart on that one. When we refuse to discipline our children, we say to them I don't believe you can be any different. When we discipline, when we put appropriate boundaries up for our children, what we're saying to them is I believe you can learn to work within appropriate boundaries. M is I believe you can learn to work within appropriate boundaries and I believe in your ability to improve. So this is really important.

Speaker 1: 3:14

I was I'm grateful for the people that I have been surrounded with. The therapists that my son has had since he was born are having respite providers, are habilitation, have habilitation and respite provider who has, with so much courage, stood by, as sometimes when I have said, oh, I've had my frustration moments, I don't want to do it that way and then I'll have to come around sometimes and say, no, I see what you were suggesting. I'm really grateful for them. And even the family members who have tried to speak into me like hey, I know I don't know what you're going through, but I'm here to listen and here to help and I'm here to give suggestions and sometimes it was hard to hear those suggestions, but other times it was almost like you don't think I've tried that, but I didn't say that. It's just as parents, we listen to everything else that's said out there, everything about parenting. And then we go out in the world with our children and when our children have special needs, sometimes we get the looks and in fact I have an episode that's completely dedicated to a blog that was put out there called Lady, get Control of your Kid and, ooh, sometimes those judgmental looks.

Speaker 1: 4:23

So, when it comes to discipline, there is a lot of trial and error. I know that I have tried a lot of things that have absolutely failed, but I also know that I'm glad I tried them, because when it comes to trial and error, as a parent with special needs children, what you're basically saying to your child and to yourself is I am willing to do everything that I can to help you be successful. Oh, that one didn't work. All right, we're going to try something else.

Speaker 1: 4:55

Key thing about trial and error is you have to be willing to try something for a little bit of time. Once is not enough. Once isn't going to tell you if there was enough of an impact. If you try something one time and they have a huge reaction, well, maybe that means it wasn't the right thing to do, but maybe that means it was exactly the right thing to do and you need to dig in more and do it more. You get to be the judge of that. I know to some of you that was like that's right. I do To others that was like, well, thanks, that didn't help me out. Now I still feel you might judge it wrong. I know I have, and that's what parenting is. Every parent out there has tried something and had it completely fail Parents of neurotypical kids, parents of special needs kids and if anyone acts like they know what they're doing in parenting, that just may mean that them and their child meshed perfectly, but they don't know what to do for every child out there on the planet.

Speaker 1: 5:52

So take, take just that deep breath and go. Okay, I know I've got this. There's going to be lots of trial and error, there's going to be lots of changes, and that's absolutely okay. So how do we navigate that? First and foremost, that depends on the disability in the individual, that depends on the parent, that depends on the child, which is why there's no right answer and there's also not necessarily a wrong answer, as long as you're not being abusive here. There's not a wrong answer to trying something.

Speaker 1: 6:20

Children have limitations on how much they can learn and how quickly they can learn, especially children with special needs. Some might even freeze in their progress. That doesn't mean that we quit trying. Maybe we need to try a new therapy, maybe we need to try a new thing, or maybe we need to just keep pushing forward to where we're at. What is important, the most important thing, is that we, as parents, believe in their ability to improve. We believe in their ability to learn something that's going to benefit them as a future adult. So if we believe in their ability to grow and improve, then our goal is to change their behavior.

Speaker 1: 7:01

Our goal with discipline is never punishment. Punishment doesn't teach Well, it does teach something. Actually, let me re-reverse that Punishments and consequences. The goal is to change the behavior. If what ends up happening is the punishment or the consequence teaches the child to hide the behavior, you haven't reached your goal because they're just going to learn to hide their behavior, which they'll eventually get caught, or it's going to be self-destructive for them as an adult or in future relationships, future careers, jobs, etc. So our goal is to change the behavior. So if the punishment or consequence isn't leading to the change you're looking for and you've stuck with it for a while, you know that it's really not working, then you need to adjust it.

Speaker 1: 7:46

And here's the other thing Some punishments and consequences are appropriate for age-appropriate situations. So you might do something for a child who's in elementary school three, four, five, six years old but by the time they're seven, eight, nine years old. That's not going to work anymore and we're going to have to make a change. And that's okay. We can make that change. Just that change may be based on their age. Most likely it's based on their developmental stage, which is not always based on their age with special needs children and you as a parent know that. So punishment is not effective for learning. It teaches us to hide behavior.

Speaker 1: 8:26

Behavior modification is for all settings. The benefits of changing our behavior in all settings creates us to have, in a sense, a heart change. We change the way we think and feel about how we're going to react to the situation. And when we have children that struggle with emotions and behavior and struggle with understanding it, struggle with communicating, then it's going to take longer to learn it. So you're on a bumpy, long road, mom and dad. I'm on it with you and we can do this. We just have to stick with it and be willing to say that's okay, now this. So reinforcement. I want to start with reinforcement. Reinforcement is key to behavior modification. So how do you reinforce your child's behaviors? So when I say reinforcement, I don't always mean something positive.

Speaker 1: 9:19

For example, a child picks up a throw. A child picks up a toy and throws the toy. You pick, not pick up, but you take your child. You place your hands on them gently and lovingly, but you guide them over. We're going to pick up the toy. What happens is the child picks up the toy and throws it again. You guide them over. They pick up the toy, they throw it again. The child picks up the toy and throws it again. You guide them over. They pick up the toy, they throw it again. Maybe your hands on the child and the guiding is actually a reinforcement for them. You think you're physically helping and maybe they wanted the physical contact. Maybe the pressure on the shoulder is soothing and they're having an overstimulation moment. Something about that isn't working, something about that is reinforcing.

Speaker 1: 10:06

So when we talk about reinforcing behaviors, we have to find what it is that's going to get our child to say I didn't like that, I'm going to do something different. Or I really liked that. I'm going to do it again. So reinforcement comes in those two pieces. So key is that if we've so for example the therapist if we have reinforced something, maybe two or three times before, we realized, ooh, that actually reinforced the wrong behavior. Here's the hard part we now are going to have 10 times more of a challenge of reversing that.

Speaker 1: 10:45

So behavior is learned, behavior is learned by the responses we get from the outside world and within ourselves, and so if we've learned something feels good, if we've learned something gets the response we want as parents, it's going to take 10 times more of an effort and trials to unlearn or to, as we would say, recondition that behavior. So as we look at that 10 times more, first of all, the first couple of times you change your reinforcement, your child's going to be confused because they're expecting what you've done, that reinforced the bad behavior in a sense. So it's going to cause some confusion which, by the way, for children, especially when they're younger or struggle with communicating, means that the behavior is going to probably get worse. So if your child mom, mom, mom, and they're smacking your leg, mom, mom, mom, mom, and they're smacking your leg, mom, mom, mom, mom, and you turn and say I'm not talking to you until you stop hitting me. You just talked to them. That's the hard part, oh dang, but I was trying to explain it to them.

Speaker 1: 11:58

It's our actions and our words that get our children to have that reinforcement. So if that child wanted your attention and you gave them your attention to tell them how you weren't going to give them your attention, you just gave them your attention. So now that smacking and that mom, mom, mom might get louder and harder when you change your reinforcement. That's actually typical. That's a child finding their boundaries. Hey guys, when children are pushing boundaries, this is a good sign that they're children. This is what children are supposed to do. They're supposed to find where the bumpers are that they can drive between for life. They are supposed to find those boundaries. So when they push, push, push harder and harder on the boundaries, that's because they're learning something. So you just have to stick with it.

Speaker 1: 12:46

So, for example, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, and instead of turning and saying something to your child, turn and walk away and as they chase you or as they fall on the floor crying and there's so many different responses we could have you're going to just keep your attention away. Then if there is something that changes again because again it could escalate because you've responded to it it could escalate before it actually gets better. That's totally natural and normal. You got to stick with it if you know that that's the right thing to do. So reinforcement is key. But remember, if you've reinforced something accidentally we all do it by accident then the other thing that you need to do is recognize it's probably going to take 10 times longer to change that behavior and you're just going to have to stick with it.

Speaker 1: 13:36

So, positive versus negative reinforcement Positive reinforcement doesn't mean that it's good. It just means you added something, so you gave attention, you gave a treat. Negative reinforcement means you withheld something, you took away something from them. So when you hear people talk about positive versus negative reinforcement, they're talking about what you add or take away, not if it was actually good or bad. That's not what that means. So if I use that or if you hear that used just kind of know that going forward.

Speaker 1: 14:10

So step one is to learn how your child's condition may impact discipline. So if your child has a learning disability or a behavioral disability, even just ADHD, it's good to do a little bit of research to figure out how your child's cognitive abilities, focus abilities, developmental abilities may impact discipline. Your community of people that are with you are going to be key in that. So your community of people, sensory situations so if you are in a community with autism, you might want to talk about sensory situations that are going to impact discipline. We're not going if a child is overwhelmed and curled up crying in a corner, we're not going to impact discipline. We're not going. If a child is overwhelmed and curled up crying in a corner, we're not going to punish that behavior out of them. That's just not going to happen. You're not going to consequence that out of them. But you can bribe a lot of times to get to do something else or distract the brain by playing a game and get to do something else. So find out by connecting with your community if there is anything other parents have found successful. Other parents are a great resource for that.

Speaker 1: 15:11

The place that a child may learn their ability to understand the gravity of their actions can be in a sense impacted by their cognitive ability, their medical abilities, by their cognitive ability, their medical abilities and some psychological factors. So keep in mind that if your child's learning ability is actually a brain processing disorder. That's going to impact the way that you work with them. So if they have a brain processing disorder and they're neurologically not able to process things in the same way, you might have to start getting creative. And that's where I would talk with occupational therapists, psychologists, school counselors to get some strategies that are specific to your child, for people that know your child or know your child's disability.

Speaker 1: 15:59

Next one is consistency. Didn't I just say a lot of trial and error? How does that work with consistency? Fair question Consistency I talked about in part one before this with my lovely husband. There was a lot of trial and error, but when we made changes we stuck with them for a while and then, if we were going to make a change, we all the entire team, the hab and respite provider, the occupational therapist, whoever was a part of our team all got on. The entire team, the hab and respite provider, the occupational therapist, whoever was a part of our team all got on the same page before the change happened and then we knew and we all understood how we were going to make the change. So consistency, not only for time, but consistency for all the people that are involved.

Speaker 1: 16:39

Consistency might even mean tagging in a sibling, okay. So when your sibling does the following, this is what you need to do, because siblings are our secret warriors in this. In the struggles that we have with our special needs kids, our siblings sometimes get overlooked, and this is a hard road for them too. I have a podcast on siblings and special needs of special needs children, so please go to specialparentorg and check that out. They can be part of this with you. They can learn strategies. They can learn the importance of consistency.

Speaker 1: 17:13

So timing habits routine. It can take weeks, it can take months and it takes the team. So if you decide to make a change, make sure your whole team is on that change Timing. What does that mean? I would say if you're going to try something, if you decide to make a change, make sure your whole team is on that change Timing. What does that mean? I would say if you're going to try something, you need to give it at least two weeks, and by least meaning that's the minimum. If you think about the general rule of how long it takes to create a habit, you're almost at like a month of something about 20 consistent days in a row of doing something. That's to create a habit for a neurotypical individual. So at least two weeks, I would say up to a month, unless you know you're having such a strong reaction within the first two weeks that it's absolutely not working. So try a new discipline strategy as a team for a good amount of time before you decide if it's worked or hasn't worked.

Speaker 1: 18:06

For a good amount of time before you decide if it's worked or hasn't worked, should you let your child know the goal Maybe? So it kind of depends. I would say in a lot of cases, yes, if your child is of the developmental age or ability to understand, you can simply say okay, we don't like the way you throw when you're angry, so we're going to work on not throwing when you're angry. We're going to give you other things to do, letting your child know that. Saying to your child we notice that you struggle to get up in the morning and that's not going to be good for you as you become an adult. We're going to help you with strategies to motivate you to get up in the morning. So whatever it is that the goal is that you're working on. You know it's not acceptable to hit your sister, so we're going to do this plan because you need to stop hitting your sister. That's not healthy for you or her, those kinds of things. So, yes, I would let your child know the goal, if your child is, of the ability to understand the goal and work with it, okay. So get everyone on the same page, including your child. All right, rewards and natural consequences.

Speaker 1: 19:28

Rewards add attention for desired behavior as much as possible. Ignore, ignore, ignore behavior you don't want. So the child, the mom, mom, mom smacking your leg, ignore it. Don't talk to them. Don't tell them that you're not going to talk to them. Don't swat their hand away. Don't tell them, stop it. All of that's exactly what they wanted. They wanted your attention. So we're not going to do that. We're going to ignore bad behavior.

Speaker 1: 19:58

Your child picks up and throws a toy and then they look at you. Guess what? They wanted you to react. If it's a safe environment, don't react. Now, if you see your child walk over and pick up the toy, try to be real good at your timing. Maybe they're going to pick it up to throw it again, but they pick it up before they throw it you go. Oh, thank you so much for picking up your toy. Why don't you come have a treat. Why don't you have a french fry? Why don't you go over and give them a thank you so much for picking up your toy?

Speaker 1: 20:25

Mommy's hugs or the squeeze on the shoulder or whatever is a reward to your child. You know your child best. Try to catch them before they throw it, because they picked it up again, maybe to do something nefarious with it, but you're going to. Oh yay, so that right there, that is the reward. The reward might be your attention. The reward might be something tangible, whatever it is. By the way, you can buy a lot of little tangible fidgets on Amazon for pretty cheap if you need something small to just reward your child with. We use them in the classrooms all the time. But a reward is an added attention for a desired behavior. You have to catch them being good and you have to praise that and love that. Consequences, on the other hand, relate to the behavior.

Speaker 1: 21:13

A child is throwing food, so you take the plate away. Some people are like but my child is underweight and doesn't eat enough. Yes, you're right, but maybe you're just going to give them the one french fry at a time, so they throw it and you go. Oh, I guess you're not that hungry. Sometimes we have to pick. Our battle Is the battle? Are they ever going to finish the meal if they keep throwing it off the plate? Because if our goal is to get them to finish the meal, then we need to stop them from throwing it off the plate first. So we have to sometimes know which battle to pick and why we're picking it in the moment. So if they're going to throw food, take the food away. If they're going to, we've talked about throwing a toy.

Speaker 1: 21:59

But if let's say that they're going to scream every time they want your attention and you're in a store and they scream and you're thinking I can ignore these poor people in all this store, well, maybe, depending on the situation, you can, or maybe you're not giving attention to the child. You actually wheel them to the door, lift them out. You're not talking to them, you're not making eye contact. You just get in the car and you go home without any and they scream all the way and they scream, and they scream and you get home and there you continue to ignore until they stop screaming. And then you can say and if they look at you and they stop screaming, it's like I really like when we make eye contact quietly. Is there something you wanted to talk about? Or give them a big hug at that point? Again, it all is developmentally based on where your child is, but the reward is given for desired behavior.

Speaker 1: 22:49

The consequence is something that we initially want to take away for the undesired behavior. And yes, a lot of times especially once I hit teenagehood we take away their electronics because that is sometimes the best avenue we have. They get bored. In fact, I had my child tell me the other day because he had his electronics taken away. Mom, I'm bored and I said that is fabulous. He looked at me like I was crazy and I actually said let me read you this. And I pulled up a little article. I didn't read the whole article to him, but basically it said boredom is so healthy for the brain. It's when we, as Americans, used to be incredibly innovative. Guess what your children will be more innovative when they're bored. Incredibly innovative, guess what your children will be more innovative when they're bored. So keep that in mind. We want to give attention for desired behavior. We want to pull back for undesired behavior.

Speaker 1: 23:41

Introverts and children with autism may find a timeout rewarding. Keep that in mind, because if you provide a timeout for your child and that was a reward for the behavior. Now you've just made them go every time. I need to get a break from everybody in this house. I'm just going to do this and I got myself a break. So you have to know your child. You have to know if they're an introvert and the timeout is rewarding not that you're going to stick them in a room and scream at them, because that's not the desired thing either, but you need to find another consequence or another way to reward them. Maybe you use the timeout as a reward. You get five minutes alone with your earbuds in, or you're going to have five minutes of quiet time watching your favorite TV show, or whatever it is.

Speaker 1: 24:29

Clear and simple messages. So again, developmentally, this is important. We want to be clear with what we're doing and what we're expecting from them. They don't need to have a full discussion about discipline. They're going to get the point by your actions. If your actions are on point, they're getting the point. That was funny. The point by your actions. If your actions are on point, they're getting the point. That was funny. So keep your expectations simple. If that means you have to use pictures for our children that are not so good with verbal. Yet go ahead and print off some pictures that explain exactly what you want. Use videos, role play things, use gestures. Repetition of our simple messages is going to get the point across Again simple, short, sweet, to the point, and that has to be for all caregivers, like I said. So if you're going to use a simple message to convey something, make sure all caregivers are using that same simple message Okay Routines avoid meltdown.

Speaker 1: 25:29

If behaviors consistently happen at the same time with the same people or in the same activities, we have a trigger. So we need to reduce the trigger unless it's anxiety causing. Look at my anxiety episodes on how we want to be careful with feeding anxiety. We want to reduce the trigger or we can add a break, a rest, a snack, a song, something to reduce it. So if we know like okay routines, avoid meltdowns. If we know that if we do this, this and this, and now the child is tired and they need a break, we need to make sure that part of our routine is a break before we start whatever is going to come next. If we make breaks a part of the routine, that is a healthy life skill we're teaching our child.

Speaker 1: 26:15

It is very hard for any of us, even in an eight-hour workday, to legit work eight hours without needing a brain break, a lunch break, a snack break. That's why people walk to the water cooler, as we used to call it. That's why people go to the snack bar or go grab a coffee or grab a soda. They're really just taking a brain break. We didn't really need the coffee or soda, or maybe we did, but it's the brain break and your child needs that too. All children do, even high school kids. So, if you'll notice, passing periods between classes really should be an opportunity for a brain break, because eight hours of just constant learning all day is exhausting. That brain has worked its little patootie off. So we want to make sure that we teach our children the healthy skill of brain breaks, not procrastination, but brain breaks. So if we are noticing they melt down at a certain time or a certain place or anything else, we need to teach them how to take a break before they take a meltdown. So here's the key thing Once we know what reinforces our child, we can exploit that.

Speaker 1: 27:26

Sorry, that was my little laugh there. Once we know what reinforces our child, we can exploit what reinforces our child. We can make that work for us. Ask yourself what motivates your child, what are they willing to work for? And make it work for you. All right, folks, to wrap up, today, the key is believe in your child's ability to learn is believe in your child's ability to learn. Believe in their ability to find the bumpers and know the boundaries for their life. Believe in your abilities to train your child.

Speaker 1: 28:00

It's okay to have trial and error, just like you're going to teach them. Sometimes things aren't going to go right. It's going to be okay for you, too, and that's a great modeling opportunity. It's going to be okay for you, too, and that's a great modeling opportunity. It's exhausting. There's good days, there's bad days, but don't give up. Focus on the wins. In fact, I say create a wins jar. Have a cup or a jar on the counter or a basket or something, and every time you have a win, write it down. And when you need to remember that there was a win, go to that jar and pull it out and be like oh, that's right, we had that good day, woo. Create a win jar. Write them down, take care of yourself. Build your tank up, because this is special needs parenting. This is love, and you've got this. This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast. This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast. For more information and to join our mailing list, visit specialparentorg.