Navigating the Storm: Compassionate Discipline Strategies for Children with Special Needs | Ep24

Imagine standing in a bustling grocery store with a child mid-tantrum, feeling the eyes of strangers on you and wondering how to regain control with love and understanding. Join me, Dr. Deanna Iverson, on the Special Parent Podcast as we unravel these intense moments and explore strategies to discipline children with special needs in ways that affirm their unique potential. This episode promises to equip you with practical tools to navigate the chaos with grace and patience, transforming challenges into opportunities for growth.

Our journey begins with the critical task of setting clear boundaries, a cornerstone of effective parenting. We delve into techniques like using quick, concise directions to help children navigate emotional turbulence, with a spotlight on strategies tailored for kids with a history of trauma. Consistency is key, and we'll discuss how building trust can lead to emotional resilience, enabling children to learn the art of self-regulation over time. Through examples and real-life anecdotes, discover how creative consequences, such as planned ignoring for attention-seeking behaviors, can lead to valuable learning moments without resorting to punitive measures.

In the final segment, we tackle the daunting subject of managing public tantrums with composure. Learn how to distinguish between a typical tantrum and an emotional outburst stemming from sensory overload. With insights on implementing visual communication tools and immediate rewards, gain confidence in guiding your child towards improved behavior. Let this episode be a reminder that progress, no matter how small, is a victory, and parenting is a journey filled with love, patience, and unwavering belief in your child's ability to thrive.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Discipline in Special Needs
• 10:09 Establishing Clear Boundaries for Children
• 16:06 Effective Discipline Through Planned Ignoring
• 20:22 Rewarding and Disciplining Children Effectively
• 27:12 Behavioral Management Strategies for Tantrums

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proud mom of three boys and two incredible kids with special needs. I'm here to remind you that you're not alone on this journey. Whether you're navigating the highs, the lows or those moments in between, this podcast is your weekly dose of hope, health and heartfelt guidance. Together, we'll celebrate the victories, tackle the challenges and connect with a community that truly understands. So grab your favorite cup of coffee or tea, settle in and let's embark on this empowering journey together. You've got this. Have you ever struggled with knowing how and when to consequence or discipline your special needs child? I know that I have.

Speaker 1: 0:48

Hi everyone, welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. This is Dr Deanna Iverson, and I'm here for part three of talking to you about discipline and special needs. Parts one and two were unique and kind of went over strategies how couples because part one, I had my husband with me. How couples because part one, I had my husband with me how couples can navigate this together different tips and tricks and challenges. I felt there were still some little things to address. So this part three, while we're going to review some of that, we're also going to talk about some specific examples, and some of it might be a little bit again of a review, but we're going to dive a little deeper into some special situations that I've had parents mention, that have come up to them and they're just like I'm just so frustrated I don't know what to do about this one.

Speaker 1: 1:33

So reality, when our children are born with special needs, we already know that life is going to come with challenges. We already know that there are going to be things that they can't do, that some other children can do or maybe is going to take them longer to learn, or there's going to be extra limitations and as a parent, this can be heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking and so it can also make us in a sense nervous to discipline. Why? Because discipline feels like another limitation. I'm pointing out my child can't do something and I'm consequencing them for it. In reality, when it's appropriate discipline for a behavior that needs to be corrected, what we're really saying to our child is I believe in your ability to learn, I believe in your ability to grow, I believe in you. And we're also saying to ourself I believe I can do this, and sometimes we just need to hear that. So in part one we discussed discipline norms and in part two. I discussed a little bit about having a disability and how that can impact how we discipline our child, which is very individualized. So I promise you here child, which is very individualized. So I promise you here I don't have the golden goose egg of an answer for anybody, because it is individualized.

Speaker 1: 2:50

Our children are so different and so unique and so wonderful, and that also means that every parent and every child are going to have a unique situation where discipline is going to work for some that doesn't work for others. I mean, heck, with three kids, some discipline works for one of my children and not the other one. So there is just this lovely play act that takes place between parent and child. Most other parents absolutely have the best intentions when they talk to us about hey, have you tried this discipline? And most of us, as special needs parents, feel like going duh. Of course I have. But again we have to remind ourselves they have the best of intentions, they're trying to be helpful. We a lot of times know that we've tried a million things and we're just struggling. Maybe it's not that we're not doing the right thing, it's just it's taking 10 times longer than it does for a child who doesn't have the struggles and the disabilities that our child does. So being graceful with those around us, especially friends and family, who just love on us and want to help us, and then, at the same time, being graceful with ourselves and knowing that some of these things just take time. So some advice that I heard.

Speaker 1: 4:14

I read an article one time that said you shouldn't ever say no to your child. Nope, that bad advice. So whoever wrote that article, I'm sorry. I absolutely, as a professional, completely disagree with you on that. I say you should give specific direction and it's very healthy for a child to hear the word no because, guess what? We all hear the word no, even as adults. We hear the word no. We hear no. You can't do that. We're told there are boundaries that we have to follow. So again I say, with all the respect on the planet to the person who wrote that article, I disagree with you.

Speaker 1: 4:56

Children need to hear the word no. They need to understand why the no happens sometimes, but sometimes they just simply need to know it's because mom and dad said so, and that's okay too. We can find the happy medium between these. There are times that both are absolutely appropriate. Many psychologists and scientists and I researched this because I thought whoa, I can't be the only one and I'm not Many psychologists and scientists don't agree with that statement at all.

Speaker 1: 5:26

They don't agree that children should never hear no. In fact, they say we must give instruction. While we teach limitations, restrictions, boundaries, whatever you want to call them, we are teaching appropriate behaviors. We are teaching appropriate expectations. So, by all means, when a child does something they shouldn't do, sometimes they need to hear no. We don't do that. No, not acceptable. If a child is going to do something dangerous, are you not going to yell stop. Of course you are, because you're a loving, caring, responsible parent and that's just a form of no and that's okay too. So why would someone give that advice? Why would they do that?

Speaker 1: 6:09

When a child does hear the word no, they may experience guilt oh my gosh, I did something wrong. They may not understand why it's happening. They may be confused. That can sometimes impact their self-esteem for a small moment. So that advice probably came from a very good and well-intentioned person who was trying to say don't make your child feel guilty, let's not confuse our children, let's teach our children. But you can still do that with setting those appropriate boundaries of no. But you can still do that with setting those appropriate boundaries of no. In fact, let's be honest If we tell our child no and it upsets them, we feel it. We as parents feel that pain in our heart when our children are disappointed or are sad or are confused. So it's important to teach them these boundaries and it's important to understand their emotions as they learn these boundaries too. The important reality is that no is a tool. No is a tool. Stop is a tool. These are things that ensure healthy emotional and brain development. So, by all means, please use no, and please use because I said so. Let's dive in a little deeper.

Speaker 1: 7:24

The developing brain in all children, even children with special needs, it's looking for patterns of life. It's looking for limitations. What can I do? What can I not do? It's looking for boundaries. The brain wants those. So when neuroconnections are taking place, neurons are firing all over the place. In the developing brain, if something goes bink and touches, especially if it binks a couple different times and reinforces, it now forms a strong connection. If something's touching and you go no boop, it breaks that connection.

Speaker 1: 8:00

So I've talked a little bit about discipline and the difference between positive and negative reinforcements. You have to be careful, because you can accidentally bing strengthen a reinforcer by not realizing you're reinforcing a behavior. That can be an accidental thing and guess what? You still can prune that back apart. It's just going to take a long time, but the brain is looking for that. So when we provide a no, when we provide a consequence or something that says I don't like that behavior, that's not a productive thing to do, then we stop that neuron connection from strengthening. And that's why it's important, because our brain wants to know what neurons should connect and which ones don't. Because your brain's going to grow a lot of neurons and it's going to prune and get rid of a lot too over this growth cycle. So we want our kids to just connect the good ones. Sometimes we don't have control over that, but the best that we can do in our ability is what we're looking for here. So I'll give you an example.

Speaker 1: 8:56

It is just before dinner time and for every family that's different. So let's just say it's five o'clock. It's five o'clock, you're busy cooking up dinner. Dinner's going to be at 530-ish time. You're busy cooking up dinner and your child comes and starts getting in for a snack. No, you need to wait for dinner. I'm clear, I'm concise, direct and to the point. The tantrum starts. Well, I'm not going to sit down on the floor and go. Let me explain to you why this. No, no, no, no, no, we're not doing that. No, you need to wait for dinner. The tantrum starts, you ignore the tantrum and you keep cooking dinner. Now do you have to make sure your child is safe? Of course you do. I'm not saying anything that's unsafe should go ignored. However, you will ignore it until it stops. Once it stops, or you'll ignore it until they get quiet and then they try for the snack again and you know, same exact no, you need to wait for dinner Because you and I, as parents, know that if they have that snack which is not the healthiest thing on the planet, it's just a quick filler they're not going to eat as much of the healthy stuff for dinner and if you have a special needs child, a lot of them have dietary issues already as it is.

Speaker 1: 10:09

So the last thing we need is for them to have those empty fillers. Clear, concise, to the point. You're done. We're not having this anymore.

Speaker 1: 10:23

Tantrum. Ignore it the minute the tantrum stops, as long as they're not reaching for a snack again and trying to be a sneaky pants. You could even say, no, you need to wait for dinner and don't sneak. So they know they got caught in two things. But as long as they're not trying to be the sneaky pants, even if they just quieted and they're on the floor, then you can say something to the fact that I'm really glad to see you calm down. You did very well, but you keep cooking dinner. You recognize the good behavior, but you keep cooking dinner. You're not going to halt everything you do. You're not going to reward them with the snack. Maybe you reward them with something else. Maybe you give them a fidget toy or something like that. But we're going to focus on training.

Speaker 1: 11:07

The behavior of A mom said no, she's going to stick with what she says with. She sticks with what she says. And the expectation is clear I need to wait for dinner. And guess what? By the time they're teenagers, they'll learn they need to wait for dinner. You'll have a little bit less of a battle to fight. I'm not saying it's perfect, I'm saying it's a progress and you're heading towards a goal.

Speaker 1: 11:22

So in the developing brain, what's interesting is the hunger part of your brain is incredibly efficient. That's almost like the animalistic part of our brain. That's why we always use the word hangry for adults. Oh, they're getting hangry over there Because that hunger part is efficient and it's going to throw the tantrum. It's going to not want to be patient, not want to wait for anything. That is in the developing brain for a reason survival.

Speaker 1: 11:49

We, as adults, know that we are providing them plenty of survival food. They're right now trying to manipulate behavior. They don't know they're trying to do that. They're just children. They're doing exactly what children are supposed to do, which is find the boundaries and push against them. So what are we going to do? We're just going to tell them where the boundary is and hold the line. We're not going to get angry. We're not going to spend hours explaining where they've now lost interest. We're just going to state what needs to be stated and move on, because we are training their brain for adulthood, for teenagehood, for the ability to be patient and wait for things like food, a friend getting on a toy or an electronic when they need to wait for that. So the underdeveloped brain is not patient, but the hunger part is developed fully. So what we're trying to do is teach our children that, regardless of what is happening in the brain at the moment, they can still learn to have some control. They don't understand that's what we're teaching them, but we as parents know that If we stick with it they are going to learn to regulate their it. They are going to learn to regulate their anxiety. They are going to learn to regulate their emotions and their response to them. But we have to be willing to stick with quick, clear directions. And again, as they get older, we explain them more. But when they're younger, quick, clear directions with very little explanation as they develop the part of their brain that controls it and special needs kids are most likely going to develop this part a little bit slower, especially ones that have cognitive or learning disabilities. But as they develop it they're going to have some stronger reactions.

Speaker 1: 13:36

At time You're going to see kind of that ebb and flow. It's going to get better and then you might be like we were doing so well, what the heck just happened? Hormonal changes we're all familiar with those. We talk about them all the time in teenage years, but we have to remember they're happening all the way throughout childhood. So things will get better. Then you'll have the hormonal change and you'll have to revert back to what you were doing before. Then they'll get better again. So hang in there, because with special needs kids it's going to take longer, but you're in this for the long haul, because you love them and you know that this is awesome. Consistency is what's going to get you and them through. You, because you know what to say and do every time. Them because once they hear it again oh, that's right, this is what we're going to do. Once they hear it again and again, their timing of response is going to shrink and they're pretty soon going to become more and more compliant a little bit faster.

Speaker 1: 14:31

Know is good when adult behavior pattern is key. So clear expectations and clear boundaries Because I said so is also good and is an appropriate expectation, because you are the parent and you do know more than them and better than them. In fact, I love it when teenagers act like we don't know what we're talking about, and sometimes I'll say to my son I get that you don't think I know what I'm talking about, but sometimes I just need you to recognize that I've got experience on my side and if I'm wrong, we can talk about that later, but right now you're going to do what I say and you're going to trust I'm doing it for your good. So those are patterns that you can establish with your children Like, hey, it's okay to trust me, I'm going to do what I think is best for you and if it ended up not being best, we're going to work that out on the other side of this together. But right now you need to learn to trust me. So children that have had a primary trauma where they've had a parent they cannot trust, this is going to be harder to do with, and so you have to sometimes just stick with the clear and concise and keep pushing through with that. And so if you have a child that has that primary trauma, get extra help. This is going to be harder for you because they're not going to automatically trust you and that's not on you, that's not your responsibility to 100% solve. You can't do it on your own. So get some extra help with that. Okay, all right.

Speaker 1: 16:06

Another example, because I said this one was going to be about kind of some examples that had come up. Another example responding to loud behavior by giving your child attention. Typically, loud behavior is just really a fun time, or it's loud because they wanted you to react. So if you give them the reaction, guess what you're gonna get again Loud behavior. So negative versus positive attention is still attention. So I had a fellow parent. This was brilliant.

Speaker 1: 16:32

Kids were kind of. She was on the phone. She had asked them to be quiet. They were being loud. They were not being quiet. She just very first time she had to do this. It was hilarious. She paused the phone. She had asked them to be quiet. They were being loud, they were not being quiet. She just very first time she had to do this. It was hilarious.

Speaker 1: 16:43

She paused the phone conversation. She put the phone down. She walked outside. She goes oh my gosh, kids come out here Like really excited, and they come running out. She turns around. She walks in and closes the door and locks it Again. The kids were safe. She was able to watch through the window, but then she ignored them and finished her phone call.

Speaker 1: 17:04

After the phone call was over, she unlocked the door, had them come in and sit down. She said why did I do that? They knew because we were being loud. Did I ask you to stop? Yes, did you stop? No, that's why you got locked outside. Do you want to get locked outside again? No, that's why you got locked outside. Do you want to get locked outside again? No, all right, then when I ask you to be quiet, you need to be quiet.

Speaker 1: 17:25

It wasn't a long conversation. It didn't make them roll their eyes back in their head and fall asleep. Developmentally they were ready for that kind of conversation. But this is how sometimes you have to get creative. Now, if they liked getting locked outside, boom backfire. You just reinforced their behavior. But in this situation that's pretty unlikely they're going to get the point. It's not necessarily that it was a punishment, but it was an appropriate consequence for the moment that led to a teaching moment and that was what was important about that. So when you work with your children on appropriate expectations, sometimes you might have to pause that phone call to allow a quick moment. But she never had to do it again. She never had to pause any other phone conversations again because it came down to the children learning that that was an important expectation in their house. They also knew that mom respected them back. So you might have to at times, pause what you're doing, but if you do it right the first time, you won't have to pause it many times after that.

Speaker 1: 18:34

If you can't have the conversation with your child because of their developmental stage, then I would plan some phone calls. If phone calls are the issue here or if just one-on-one human communication is the concern, I would have planned times with that, with someone who you're going to set it up where you know your kid's going to interrupt, because they always interrupt. So you're going to sit down with your friend and you're going to let them interrupt and you're going to play out your plan. Just like we teach our kids when they have anxiety, fears or when they're not sure how to work through something, they develop a plan. You develop a plan and you play act that out so that you can have planned ignoring of your child. Or you can have your friend set up your child's wanting your attention. You might have to leave the room but your friend's going to stay in the room and be the watchful eye of your child to ensure the safety but also not give them any attention. Child didn't want the friend's attention or vice versa. Maybe your child always wants your friend's attention and to pull that away. So you can set up situations. And when you can set up these kinds of things planned, then that reduces the times that it's going to happen when it's unplanned. But even when it does happen, you have a game plan and you're ready to go with it.

Speaker 1: 19:45

When is ignoring behavior appropriate? This is key. When the behavior is to get my attention as a parent, then it is appropriate to ignore the behavior in a safe manner. If you can leave the room, great. If you can't leave the room, turn your back, plug your ears. That sometimes just signals I'm not listening, I'm not paying attention, close your eyes. Whatever you need to do to ensure safety and to ensure that you are changing behavior by ignoring something that is simply there to get your attention in an inappropriate manner.

Speaker 1: 20:22

Here's an example You're talking to another person and a child walks up and pulls on your shirt. If you ignore this behavior and they stop, then wait a beat, stop your conversation or take a break in it and then give them your attention, say thank you so much for not continuing to call mom. I appreciate that. Give me one more minute to finish what I was saying. Can you put your hand right here? Then put your hand on top of theirs, finish your conversation. Notice I gave them attention for appropriate behavior, but I didn't stop my conversation because I still, as the adult, get to finish that first. They don't get to interrupt it. So notice the carefulness there, because if they learn that, they can tap you and then stop and be quiet and they're still going to get to interrupt you. That's not appropriate either. So we want to make sure that we thank them for the good behavior. Teach them an alternative. We always taught our kids put our hand on you and then I put my hand on top of theirs. I'll finish what I'm talking about. Sometimes I've sat there for a full minute, but at the end of the minute or at a good break in the conversation we'll say thank you so much for being so patient. What is it that you needed? So that was the way that we did it, and by putting my hand on top of theirs, I'm acknowledging them All it that we did it, and by putting my hand on top of theirs, I'm acknowledging them All right.

Speaker 1: 21:40

So how frequently should we reward or punish our children? That 100% depends on the behavior. Every time something happens, versus waiting until the end. So, for example, do we reward or punish every time, or do we keep tally marks? And at the end of the day or at the end of the week we say, oh, you've earned so much electronic time. Or do we keep tally marks and at the end of the day or at the end of the week we say, oh, you've earned so much electronic time, or you've earned so much I don't know cookies or whatever it is that is motivating for your child that you're able to provide for them. That completely depends on the behavior and their developmental stage. So for young, young, young children, you need to, right there in the moment, immediately provide reinforcement because they're not able to think past that moment.

Speaker 1: 22:25

For children with ADHD, even if they're a little older, sometimes they still need that in the moment, immediate attention, because they don't have the ability to go back and think about all the things that they did over the last day or the last week. As they mature, as they learn behaviors, we do what's called extinguishing, in a sense, and we take away a little bit of the immediate reward. We make it last a little longer, because that's a life skill. It is a life skill for us to learn that we are not going to get an immediate reward every time we do what is expected of us. Expected behavior is expected behavior without a reward. We go to jobs every day but we don't get a paycheck except for every two weeks. That's an expected reward and there's a lot of other rewards in it, but that's just a simple example of how you're prepping them for adulthood. You're prepping them for the fact that if they're going to be bagging groceries, that's not always going to be rewarding at the end of every bag cycle or at the end of every day. So we're starting with young ones rewarding immediately, and as they grow older and their developmental stage progresses, we are going to now make the reward time stretch so they do more things, because these are expected behaviors that all people are expected to do treat each other with respect, kindness, not interrupting conversations, those kinds of things. And so we stretch out the reward and now it starts coming at the end of the day or at the end of a week and those kinds of things. And so we stretch out the reward and now it starts coming at the end of the day or at the end of a week and those kinds of things. So that's the frequency. It has to be very frequent at the beginning, less frequent as you go on.

Speaker 1: 24:10

But if you notice behavior cycle or change. Maybe you had a hormonal shift in your child, a developmental stage, a growth spurt, whatever it is. You might have to go back to being more instant on your response and then stretch it out again. It's okay to go back and forth. Don't think, oh, I failed, they went back. No, it was probably just something that happened in their life. Like I said, growth spurt, developmental change in the brain, which we're glad those developmental change are happening. But because of those developmental changes we're going to have to revert back and do our short reward response and then build back to it again. And that's okay, that's normal. So expect those be okay with those. It's not a reflection on you or your child's growth and ability. All right.

Speaker 1: 24:53

Key things here Consistency I've said this in all four of them. Consistency between caregivers, family members. Timing is so key. Don't give up. Stick with something for a little while. If you decide it's not working and it needs to change, then work to make a change, decide when that change is going to happen and then make the change. Don't wishy-washy, don't go back and forth between two of them. That is going to cause confusion. You're just going to have behaviors last longer and it's not comforting. But never give up. Trust your child's ability to learn. Trust your ability to do it. Know that the word no, n-o and, because I said so, that statement those are your powerhouses that need to be used sometimes and wield them with fidelity. Use them every time you need to use them to ensure your child learns boundaries, learns expectations, learns the bumpers of life, so that they can stay in the lane. I don't know why I'm referencing bowling today, but I am.

Speaker 1: 26:00

Last example grocery store. These are the hard ones. You're in a cart or your kid's in the cart. You've got to get some stuff done. They start throwing the tantrum. Maybe they wanted the chocolate bar and you rolled right past it.

Speaker 1: 26:13

Whatever the situation may be, it's embarrassing. In fact, I did a whole one on lady get control of your kid, which was a great blog that I talked about, and I didn't do the blog, I was talking about someone else's. It might be embarrassing, but you might have to finish grocery shopping that day and just swallow that little bit of embarrassment and know in your heart of hearts you're doing everything you can just to get through that day and that's okay. There might be other days that you can ask the store clerk or someone hey, I need to leave my cart here and take my kid out to the car real quick. Can you please make sure they don't unload my cart or whatever. Sure, no problem, Take your kid out. Or you might need to say I'm sorry, I have a whole cartload of stuff here, but my kids lose in their ever loving mind and I'm going to have to leave it here. So I'm sorry to have to ask you guys to restock it all, and most of them will be like thanks for the heads up, because I've seen abandoned grocery carts before.

Speaker 1: 27:12

Key thing is if you ditch the cart, if you stay in the store, whatever it is, you're going to do your best to still ignore the behavior, which means you're not making eye contact with your child, you're not giving them any physical reinforcement of hugs or snuggles unless you know that that's what they need. Maybe there's a sensory and emotional thing that's a little different. We're talking about a tantrum, not a sensory, not an emotional letdown, not a fear of something or someone that happened in the grocery store. Those are different. We're talking about a tantrum. So if you're talking about a tantrum, you're ignoring it, you're going to not make eye contact, you're not going to give the physical reassurance of it. You're going to go home if you can, but if you can't, you're going to finish what you have to do and you're going to have confidence in yourself and say that's okay.

Speaker 1: 27:56

I got to get through this today because I need the stinking groceries in my cart and in my house. But at the end of the day, when their behavior turns around, you're going to recognize that with a treat, with a hug, with whatever it is. You're going to talk about it or you're going to use visuals. Now here's the key part on that one, and you can use this in any situation grocery store, friend's house, whatever it is, park, et cetera. The next time, you're going to do your best to arrange to go without them and you're going to come home with a treat for yourself, maybe, or for the sibling that went with them and was well, and you're going to make sure that they see it. You're not going to rub it in their face, we're not going to be rude, but we're going to be like no, you did so great at the store today. You're going to get a treat.

Speaker 1: 28:44

Then the third time, they might want to come to the store with you again, or you might get in the car and say, hey, I know we struggled last time. I would like you to through the whole store today without getting emotional with me or without feeling sad or without screaming whatever it is you want to work on, and then you can say, and just before we leave, when we're in the aisle or when we're here, or maybe you bring it with you you can have this treat, this item, and then that's something they're going to earn. So remember, this is special needs. Parenting, this is love and you do have this. You got this. This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast. For more information and to join our mailing list, visit specialparentorg.