Turning Anxiety into Growth: Empowering Your Child with Resilience and Wisdom | Ep27

Can anxiety really be a stepping stone to growth? Join me, Dr. Deanna Iverson, on the Special Parent Podcast to unravel this intriguing concept, inspired by insights from Lisa DeMoor. This episode offers a heartfelt promise to equip you with the tools to empower your children in navigating their anxieties. By focusing on normalizing anxiety as an essential part of development, we delve into the art of asking open-ended questions that encourage genuine expression without fixating on fear. Discover how validating emotions and celebrating small victories can build resilience, supported by both modern psychology and timeless biblical wisdom. 

We then explore actionable strategies for managing anxiety, tailored especially for children. Learn how modeling positive coping mechanisms and implementing rewarding systems like mantras and visualizations can transform anxious moments into opportunities for growth. Practical techniques such as gratitude exercises, sensory experiences, and reframing negative thoughts are just some of the tools that can aid in this journey. We also shed light on tackling school-related anxiety by shifting from emotion-driven to more rational responses, providing insights that are as practical as they are empowering. Together, let's embark on this journey of understanding and support, because you're not alone—we've got this.

Chapters

• 0:00 Empowering Parents to Combat Anxiety
• 11:56 Coping Strategies for Anxiety
• 21:56 Navigating School Anxiety and Coping

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proud mom of three boys and two incredible kids with special needs. I'm here to remind you that you're not alone on this journey. Whether you're navigating the highs, the lows or those moments in between, this podcast is your weekly dose of hope, help and heartfelt guidance. Together, we'll celebrate the victories, tackle the challenges and connect with a community that truly understands. So grab your favorite cup of coffee or tea, settle in and let's embark on this empowering journey together. You've got this. Hi everyone. Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I invite you here to join us today.

Speaker 1: 0:45

This is part two of a talk we're having on anxiety. I did an episode on medical anxiety and so that one is already posted. Please go check that one out. And I've already talked to you a little bit in part one about anxiety, and so if you haven't caught that one yet, go back to specialparentorg and check out part one on anxiety. This four part episodes four parts, excuse me four different episodes are going to be dealing with different aspects and parts of anxiety. So today we're talking about walking through anxiety, normalizing anxiety. So main question here have you or your child ever experienced anxiety? If you say no, probably a little bit lying to yourself. We know that all of us have a little bit of anxiety and the thing is it just feels differently for everybody. So what we want to do is we want to learn how to teach our children to power through this, how to say it's completely normal and it's going to happen again. So what do we do about it? So if you missed part one, go check that out.

Speaker 1: 1:51

One of my favorite quotes that I included in part one but I'm going to say to you again, was from Lisa DeMoor, and she said we must normalize distress as a part of life. We must make sure to allow ourselves and our children to understand that it is essential to feel distress. It is essential to help us grow, learn, guide us, give us feedback. You should have times where you feel sad, anxious, stressed, because that is the right response. So what do we do with that?

Speaker 1: 2:22

When we talk about normalizing anxiety, one of the main things that we have to focus on are our triumphs, instead of focusing on the fear. We come up with ways to, in a sense, overcome or be strong and push through the fear, and we focus on our triumphs and our successes. So, to lead off of last time, there is a way that we as parents can very carefully question our kids about their anxiety. And I say very carefully because we don't want to, in a sense, lean into the fear. Yes, we want to validate it. We want to say to them hey, it's really, this is a legitimate feeling. I have felt fear too, about something similar. So, for example, let's say that they're having anxiety about something dealing with school or friendships or trying a new experience. We've all had anxiety with those situations and that's perfectly normal. So we want to say to them I get it, it's perfectly normal. So I encourage you to talk to them about it, but really be careful not to have leading questions. So here's some examples A leading question is going to fuel the fear and feed the cycle.

Speaker 1: 3:40

So it's going to. A leading question is going to add fuel to how they feel and it's going to strengthen that they should feel this again. So we want to say something like I understand that you're anxious, tell me about that. But we also want to not say are you anxious about your test coming up, to not say are you anxious about your test coming up. So if they're telling us I'm nervous about this, then that's something we can talk about. But if they come to us and say I have a test on Friday, we don't want to turn to them and say, are you anxious about that test? Because that's a leading question that tells them in a sense oh, should I be, should I be anxious about it. Instead, we want to say tell me how you're feeling about that test.

Speaker 1: 4:31

In actuality, they're probably feeling a lot of different things. If you think about something that you were once anxious about, you were probably anxious about a lot of little things about it, but then you also had excitement about something. Maybe you were feeling overwhelmed. So there's a lot of different feelings that can go into something. That's why, instead of giving them a feeling, we want to ask them about their feeling. So instead, we would say, if they're telling us you know, oh, I don't want to go in my room, it's dark, oh, are you afraid of the dark? That's not what we want to do. Instead, what we want to say is tell me what you're feeling afraid of. Tell me what you're feeling afraid of. Or something we don't want to say is are you worried about? Instead, we want to say tell me how you feel about. We want to help them learn to identify their emotions rather than, in a sense, telling them what they should feel about it.

Speaker 1: 5:22

And open-ended questions how are you feeling about what they should feel about it? And open-ended questions how are you feeling about? Is an opportunity to steer the conversation, so this can get us talking about the good and the bad of all situations and it can really get us leaning into all the different emotions and feelings that we can process. At the same time, open-ended questions also lead to creating an action plan. So when they start talking about all the different things that they're feeling, we can focus on the good and then we can create an action plan for the things that are challenging us or the things that are making it a struggle for us to get through what it is that we're feeling anxious or worried or fearful about.

Speaker 1: 6:03

So a great quote from the Bible. It says where no counsel is, the people fall. But in the multitude of counselors there is safety. So you, as a parent, you're a counselor. You're providing a safe environment for them to process all the things that they're feeling about a situation, and anxiety or fear is probably one of those things. So you're providing an opportunity for them to now openly discuss a situation which is going to, as it says here, it's going to provide safety and it's going to take away some of that anxiety and fear. So another tip modeling the function rather than reinforcing the fears. We have to be careful of our own tone and our own body language when we're discussing different topics.

Speaker 1: 6:47

We don't want to imply or say this is something you should be afraid of. Instead, for example, a child has a negative experience with a dog. I do know that there are many children that are fearful of dogs or any other animals. I know someone who's fearful of a cat, even why they had a bad experience. So we don't want to lean into that bad experience. What we want to say is next time you're around a dog even if it's the same dog, maybe set up a specific way to interact with that. Come up with that game plan. Say you might feel anxious about that or how do you feel about seeing that dog again? And if they're like, that dog's scary, I don't want to see him again. Really truly, unless it's a safety issue really truly, we don't want to say, okay, then we won't see that dog again or that cat or whatever it is. Because what that says to us is you are right, dogs should be something everybody fears. It's okay if you don't like them, but to have a fear of something is very different. So instead we want to say, well, why do you feel that way? And have them start talking about it. Listen to them.

Speaker 1: 7:58

A lot of times, a lot of us even will process our own emotions just through talking about them. Then we say, well, you know this dog, or most dogs or you know, process our own emotions just through talking about them. Then we say, well, you know, this dog, or most dogs, or you know our neighbor's dog, are not ones that we want to be afraid of. So we need to come up with a game plan to help you overcome this fear and learn to appreciate the animals that are around us. So we're going to create a game plan.

Speaker 1: 8:21

Okay, next time we get together or maybe we're going to purposely set up times to get together with someone who has a dog that we know is friendly and we know is well-behaved what we're going to do is we're going to practice just being around the dog, and step number one might simply be being in the same room. So step number one, if they have anxiety about test taking, anxiety it might just simply be being in the room, okay, and knowing you have extra time. So don't feel like you have to rush through the test. Take your time being in the room with it. Step number two, then, might be having the dog sit next to them and just being okay with that, while the owner is fully in control of the dog. And then step number three might be petting the dog, so we can really break down and do baby steps to overcome fear and anxiety of almost any situation, and again, we're talking about safe situations.

Speaker 1: 9:17

So they're afraid of roller coasters. Well, that's an okay fear. Some people don't like them, but that doesn't mean we can't enter the amusement park. It just might mean that maybe your stomach gets sick and you don't like the roller coaster, so we're not going to go on it, but you can still be around other people who are going on roller coasters. So that's the kind of situation I'm talking about is creating it. So it's not something that we're afraid of, that, it's just something that we're able to recognize. Oh, I feel this, but I have to kind of push through.

Speaker 1: 9:48

All right, so to avoid this, we're going to set up an action plan. We're going to talk about details. Now, talking about details does depend on the developmental level of your child. The details might simply be you're going to come lean on mom or dad, you're going to come sit next to us, or you might. We have a signal if you're feeling nervous or anxious, a signal that you're going to give us, and then we're going to help you work through that situation or help you even identify what it is that's making you feel this way. Maybe they can't pinpoint something that's making them anxious. We're going to model positive coping strategies. So we, as parents, rather than pulling them away from the anxious situation which is going to cause the cycle to continue, rather than pulling them away from the anxious situation which is going to cause the cycle to continue, rather than pulling them away, we're going to model even times that we're anxious ourselves or fearful of something ourselves. We're going to model pushing through. We're going to say wow, last time I was feeling super anxious, I talked to dad or mom. So talk to a trusted spouse. I talked to a best friend. Or another situation that you can say is I found it was really calming for me to listen to music.

Speaker 1: 10:58

Before I gave a presentation, before I had to stand up and speak in front of somebody and I listened to music. Or maybe for you it's listening to motivational, powerful, encouraging words. Maybe you read a scripture, maybe you have positive quotes that you refer to and you read them to kind of build yourself up and say I've got this, I can do this. Other ideas maybe it was afterward, I was still feeling anxious, but I got through it. So then I worked on a puzzle and the puzzle just gave me a chance to calm my emotions down. Or I drew a picture Beforehand. I journaled all my feelings and fears. I talked about this is what could possibly happen. These are all the things. But in the end I know I'm going to be safe, I know I'm going to be secure. In the end I know I'm going to be safe. I know I'm going to be secure, and so it's okay that I'm going to go through this. So we talk about that.

Speaker 1: 11:56

We can talk about different coping strategies, and actually that is one of the episodes I'm going to do, number four. So I'll kind of continue on from here. But we have to model that, we have to show them and talk them through and if they see us feeling anxious in a moment hey, mom, dad, I noticed this we talk through. These are the things that I did. You're right, I did feel some anxiety about that. So we can talk through those situations. So we're supporting them by providing them with appropriate strategies for every given situation.

Speaker 1: 12:29

Another coping way for anxiety something that's absolutely acceptable to do in some situations is distraction. Sometimes we just need because anxiety is in that middle part of our brain and it's an emotion. So when it's in the middle part of our brain and it's an emotion, our thinking brain turned off, it's not working. So what do we want to do? We want to re-engage the thinking brain so we can work through the emotion. So when we provide ourselves with a distraction, that's not about the thing we're anxious about. It engages the thinking part of our brain and a lot of times that just helps us work through the emotion. If that means you have to bribe them, give them a little candy, promise them a little treat, that's okay.

Speaker 1: 13:16

I talked about in my medical episode how my son and I have a routine. Every time he has a medical appointment, we have Starbucks. That's just our thing. He always gets to get in. It used to be the same treat over and over. Now he's expanded his palate a little bit. We have a couple different treats to choose from, but he gets a treat. He gets a treat from Starbucks because he made it through that medical appointment and he knows that every medical appointment he's going to get a treat. But it's something that when he's feeling anxious, I said remember, I'm going to promise you we're going to do this and you're going to be okay getting through it. So it's okay to add a little bit of a bribe, don't feel guilty.

Speaker 1: 13:45

Sometimes we just call those a motivation and they're short term, but they help us get through the feeling so that we have a long term result, a long term overcoming of this anxiety. Maybe it's something that we're going to recite. I know when we took our kids one time we were walking and it had just been a really long day, and so we started the mantras, the Iversons can do it. The Ivers, the mantras, the Iversons can do it. The Iversons can do it. Iversons can do hard things because we're strong. So if you start coming up with a mantra, even if it's on a spot, that can sometimes help students just find the courage and the willpower to get through it.

Speaker 1: 14:24

And reciting something and acting that memory boop distraction flips us out of that middle brain. We can visualize something. I want to visualize you on the other side of this. Or do you remember when we went to the zoo and you really enjoyed riding the carousel? I want you to picture yourself on the carousel. Remember the music. So maybe even on your phone, pull up carousel music or something like that. So we distract by visualizing either something that really happened or something that we want to have happen. Another distraction is to count the blessings. All right, remember the things that we're really grateful for when we're feeling fear. That can sometimes pull us right out of that fear part of the brain, pull us into that grateful part of our brain and provide a distraction Movement's, a great distraction Pressure.

Speaker 1: 15:15

We had an occupational therapist who taught us how to do. It was like a joint pressure with our son, just kind of how you just kind of move through and then you do a little joint compression. You have to talk to an occupational therapist that's not my role, but it worked wonders for him and so when he would start to get anxious or overwhelmed, or even with his autism, he would get overly excited and in a sense he had sensory overload going on. We would do the joint compression, which is very light, touching and squeezing, and pressure, and it calmed him down right away. So we noticed that in autism kids that when they start to get fearful or anxious, a lot of times it manifests itself in seeming overstimulated, and so that joint pressure really helped with that Tapping and breathing. If they are able to count, tapping and control that that works or to count their breathing. In fact you can buy stickers on Amazon for breathing, their sensory, their rub stickers, and they walk you through different breathing exercises that are really helpful.

Speaker 1: 16:16

To have Smell, bring a perfume, or bring a cinnamon stick, or bring something that's a smell that might bring that calm, relaxing feeling to them. And it could be your perfume that brings that calm, relaxing feeling. It could be, like I said, a cinnamon stick or a vanilla candle, whatever brings in that calm, relaxing feeling. Sometimes I can help them go to sleep too. Again, more strategies are going to come in episode number four Well, number four of this part on anxiety.

Speaker 1: 16:55

But the key part of this is we're changing the brain. We're taking the brain from one part of the brain to the other part of the brain and we're making it engage in a different way as we work through our fear and our anxiety Modeling. We talked about talking what works for you, but show them how you reframe your thinking. Talk them about how you talk yourself out of being anxious or fearful and talk yourself into doing something because it's good for you. And if you model that for them, then they will start adopting that way of reframing and talking themselves through strategies. So as they get older, hopefully they continue to talk themselves through the negative emotions that they're having and into more positive emotions themselves through the negative emotions that they're having and into more positive emotions.

Speaker 1: 17:40

I draw a cycle and I show how it's like. Our thoughts, our emotions and our behaviors are all really connected. And if we allow our thoughts, emotions, our behaviors to all stay in the same cycle, then guess what? We're going to stay in the same cycle, but if we change even one of those, we kick off and we have a new cycle. So if we change the way we're thinking which we can do by distraction sometimes if we change the way we're thinking, we're going to and change that cycle. If we notice our emotions, fear tackled us and we just choose. Nope, I'm going to watch a funny video of dogs and make myself laugh, which is going to change the brain chemistry. Boom, I kick myself out of that cycle. And then actions you know what? I'm going to go outside and take a walk. I'm not going to sit in this anxious moment and these anxious thoughts. I'm going to go outside and take a walk and I'm going to look around, maybe get some vitamin D from the sunlight. Whatever it is you need to do. So those are just a few examples. But if we change even one of those three things in that cycle, we kick ourselves out of that cycle. So, modeling how we do that, all right.

Speaker 1: 18:47

Finally, for today, helping them reframe their thinking. That fear can come from a lack of knowledge or feeling, a lack of control or power. So when we reframe, help them reframe their thinking we're saying to them either you don't understand the situation enough Now we wouldn't want to literally say that that might make them feel like, well, geez, but in our head we're going okay, you don't understand the situation, that's why you're afraid of it. So I'm going to educate you about it, and we might have to do education a lot many times over and over again, especially if our children have any learning disabilities. We might have to find different ways to educate them, but we can do that. What we're saying to them is I'm going to teach you about this situation. I'm going to teach you what's not fearful, what we don't need to have anxiety about. That may not make their anxiety go away, but it can reduce the anxiety and help them push through.

Speaker 1: 19:41

Second part of that is if they feel like they don't have power or control. So if they feel a bullying situation I am afraid to be around a certain individual because of the way they treat me Okay, you feel like you don't have any power or control over you, over how you're being treated. So we're going to come up with strategies for that. We're going to come up with ways that you can gain your power and control back, feel more self-confident about yourself, and ways then that you can also tag in people that can help you in the situation Signs, signals, trusted people to talk to, etc. But again, we're still going to push through and into a safe situation, but we're going to do it with a plan that gives you that power and control back. Remind them when they're safe, where they're safe, who they're safe with and how they can safely communicate. So when children feel that that safety area in those areas when who, where and how to communicate they're going to have less anxiety about the situation as a whole, going to have less anxiety about the situation as a whole. They have the power to overcome this. When they know you believe in their power to overcome this, they're going to have more self-confidence in themselves. So the key to all of this is practice, practice, practice.

Speaker 1: 21:07

We don't overcome fear and anxiety in a one-time moment. We overcome it. Sometimes we always have it. It's a little nugget back there, that's always there, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. For example, if I'm driving in icy road conditions, it's okay to be a little anxious and nervous because that might keep us more safe, but that doesn't mean I never drive in icy road conditions. I go skiing, so we do. We drive in icy road conditions, but we have to. A little bit is okay. We just have to know what it is that's safe and that we can push through. So the key is our feelings are not facts your belief in them to get through this and practice, practice, practice. Those are the key things that we want to. We want to teach them a new way to think and feel about the things that make them anxious or fearful.

Speaker 1: 21:56

So these were parts one and two, talking about normalizing and overcoming fear and anxiety, the power of our mind. We have the middle brain, which is called our limbic brain. We want to move to that prefrontal cortex, and the reason we want to move to the front of our brain is because our middle brain is all about emotions, motions and reactions, and we want to move out the front of our brain is because our middle brain is all about emotions, motions and reactions and we want to move out of that. We have to train ourselves to do that. It's just simple training. It's like learning anything else in life.

Speaker 1: 22:23

So in part three, we're going to talk a little bit about school anxiety, because that is typically an area that produces a lot of anxiety for children is school, and there's lots of different aspects of school that we're going to discuss. And then part four, we will talk about specific coping strategies. So thank you so much for joining me today on the Special Parent Podcast. I love having you here and remember you've got this. This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast. For more information and to join our mailing list, visit specialparentorg.